Unhappiness

i find that being unhappy is so hard to battle, but it is just so easy for me to be unhappy. i cant seem to get around being unhappy. it seems that so many things are making me unhappy lately, the first thing being of course that i am sick freaking again. of course, what else is new right. and this time i though that i did all the right things, taking all those things to prevent it and everything but i still got sick. and it was probably from my kids, and not from the guy, but it was nice blaming him anyway i guess. so anyway, went to the doctors last night, got myself more freaking meds to take, more antibiotics, and was also told to take more decongestants, and that made me feel a little bit better today then it did yesterday so that at least i can function today. which was good, considering that i cant afford (both financially and to keep my job) to miss anymore work. so anyway, hopefully i continue to feel better. luckily both of the kids are feeling better which is good, all they have is a cough that seems to be getting a tiny bit better everyday. my unhappiness is also caused my the job issue, and the fact that i know that my time there is limited, because it sucks, i really like my job. i hate to go through all that crap again looking for another job, and everything like that. i should just not look for another job, and keep the money that they give me that should last like a month and a half, and then just let my "husband" work 2 jobs like he said and pay all my bills. except for the fact that i doubt that would happen, because i know him, and i want to make sure that my bills actually get paid and not that we have no electric or my car, which is our only car, gets repossessed. i just dont want to go through the whole issue of looking for a job again, i hate doing that. and then people are saying at our job that they have a feeling that one day we are just going to walk in and they are going to have to say that we dont have our jobs anymore, and then we get nothing. course immediately after that i would be going to unemployment and hoping that i got something out of them, but if i didnt i would be screwed. and then of course i am now waiting for my test results to see if i have to have more testing done after this, which is just great, because that whole thing is making me nervous. and i left a message for the doctor this morning and he didnt call me back yet. so that is making me even more upset. and then i have just been feeling weird about the guy for some reason lately, and i dont know why, i dont know if i am really sensing something or if it is because i am just paranoid. it just feels like he is pulling away from me, ever since sat night i have been having that feeling. even though on sunday night when we were i'm ing he said that was only because he was sick, and that he wasnt really like that, which i had seen before of course. but then all day yesterday including the night i didnt hear from him, even though he had said that he would look for me after his thing, which being that i did go to bed early at 10pm maybe that is why he didnt see me online i dont know. then today he did text me while i was at work, and said that he hoped that i was having a nice day, and i said back that it was okay, and how his new job was going, because yesterday was supposed to be the day that he would start, then he said that he didnt start it, so i said that stinks, and then he said back that he was going to be starting the other one that was supposed to be just part time for nights and weekends for a little bit a week (at least that is what he had said before), so i said oh that stinks did u start there yet, and then he never answered me back. this whole conversation was at maybe 3:30pm and after that i havent heard from him since. it is just striking me as weird, it really is. i dont know if it is just me being stupid and weird or what. but whatever, i am not going to contact him, that is my vow and i am sticking to it. i had responded by texting back to him last, and he didnt contact me again after that, so i am not going to contact him again after that. at least i am going to try not to. damn it, i am trying so freaking hard not to get attached again, but it is really hard right now. he has been treating me so well, anywhere we go not matter what we do, he pays for everything, it is never a question about it. he just automatically does it, he opens doors for me, holds my hand, all right you get the freaking picture. i am trying so hard not to fall for him, i really am. because i dont want to get hurt again, i really dont. i dont know if i can deal with it, or go through it again. and of course it doesnt help that my "husband" treats me crappy, shows me no affection or attention whatsoever, except when he wants to argue with me or point out something that he thinks that i have done wrong. that is the only times that i receive any attention from him whatsoever. i dont even remember the last time that me and him were intimate, it was maybe a month ago? or more. it has to have been around that time, it has honestly been so long that i dont even remember anymore. it is just like having a roommate, except for the fact that i have to where a stupid ring around my finger. which doesnt mean crap. marriage is only a piece of paper, it is only how you feel in your heart, and in my heart he has more of a pain in the butt roommate then a husband, that is the way that it has been for a while. well, being that the guy still hasnt come online and it is now 10:10pm i am going to bed. i am definetly holding to my vow of not contacting him tonight, as for tomorrow i am not so sure. the only reason that i might consider contacting him tomorrow is that tomorrow night is really the last night that we can go out and spend more time together like from 8:30 until sat night, because on thurs and fri i wouldnt be able to leave the house probably until 10pm and not get anywhere til 10:30pm. but then again maybe i should just stop making that my problem and just take a step back from it again. i dont know. tyn, i know that you were supposed to call me or i was supposed to call you but honestly i still dont feel well, and my state of mind isnt that great either, and of course you know freaking who had to come home early tonight to, at like 8:45 so i hope that it is okay if we reschedule for thursday night. let me know if its okay.