Not That Much New Going On

same old, same old, i just havent written because nothing new has been going on. i am still working overtime at work, trying to get as many hours as i can with the kids and my husbands schedule so that i can make up for the money that he is supposed to be giving me and hasnt been. i have been trying to figure out what is going on with my health and everything else, and have been going to the doctors at least 2 times a month. i have another appointment coming up next month in the beginning of the month. my job, thankfully, has been okay with approving me to leave early to go to my doctors appointments, hopefully as i need it that will continue. that is all i ask, i am happy with this job and the way that they have been treating me. so as long as it continues everything is good. next week makes me there officially 90 days, and unofficially 5 months. i have been trying to forget HIM, as it seems that he as forgotten or no longer cares about me, but i have not been doing that good at that. i have been having dreams with him in them, nothing sexual, just usually it is that we are back together, the one i vividly remember is that we were back together and that he had a truck similar to the one that he had before, but the only difference is that it was the extended cab version, which when we were together he had talked briefly about getting. then my daughter was starting with me about it again today, asking if i missed him and things like that. so first i lied and told her now, then i said that even if i did it didnt really matter anyway, because he wasnt coming back. and then she said something that really cut me to the heart, she said that when i was with him that she was happy and that when i moved back with my husband, that she wasnt happy anymore. which if i go back and think about it, her behavior problems in school, and at home with her having an attitude only really started once the hurricane happened and he had left and didnt come back. so maybe that is the cause of her behavior issues, if it is, then that is just one more person that i can blame him for really hurting (other then me of course). someone was asking me, that if i have a babysitter, which i can i just have to call her and ask her, and we can work out the day that she can watch them, why i dont go out. and i told her the truth, that since everything i just lost my will to do that, i really just lost my will to do anything. i really only do what i have to so i can stay alive. (barely). i eat, i sleep, i work so i can make money for my kids, and i shop so we have groceries and necessities in the house. oh and i go to the doctors to get medication to deal with all my conditions enough so that i can drag myself to work everyday. that is all i really do. the last enjoyable thing that i did was go on a day cruise with my mom the middle of last month, and that wasnt really for me, it was more for her to treat her to good for everything that she does for me and has done for me. not hearing from HIM is killing me, and i want to call him or look on his blog or his yahoo profile. or all of the above. but from what i saw last time on his blog and profile, he is incredibly happy, so i should just let it go. because i know that if i look on it again, and read all about how happy he is, it will kill me more and more. so i am going to try to keep myself from hurting myself even more. i really have, it is like i have just lost my will to live, i really dont care about doing anything anymore. i just go through everything like i robot. i go through the daily motions, and then i do the same thing everyday. with as little emotion as possible. i just really dont care about that much anymore.