An Awakening?

well, i had a discussion with my husband last night, about money and his job and everything because i have been getting very upset with him lately. so far, as of now, he only has 380 dollars towards the bills, and he needs 620 dollars towards it, and he only has 2 more paychecks left where he can get that money. and then if he isnt able to make a deal with the daycare for the next few weeks, then he really has a problem. i have been working overtime with my job, an average of at least 5 hours a week just so that i can pay my husbands share of the groceries that he is supposed to give me. so finally i got upset last night and started crying, because you can only take so much stress and be upset until you finally breakdown. so i had a breakdown last night, and was telling him that this was upsetting me. and he kept saying that he would have enough money for the rent, and that he was just going to start cashing his paychecks and giving the whole thing to me. yeah right, lets see if that happens. i also made the point to him that even if he did give me his whole paychecks from just what he is making now, that it still wont be enough for him to pay his bills and his portion of my sons daycare. i didnt even mention the grocery money that he doesnt even give me. so he said that it was good that i was doing so good at my job to try to keep everything together and that he is proud of me for that. i also made the point that they are going to be raising the rent the end of november, and he cant even afford this rent, so how is he going to pay a higher rent? so he said that he was going to try to do better for us, and that he was sorry, and that maybe he would even start trying to look for a second job or something else. i am really not sure what i am going to do about them raising the rent here, i dont know if i really want to sign a lease for another year with it being even more money, when i know that if something happens i cant even pay how much that it is now without it even being raised. i havent really figured out what the best plan of action is to deal with it right now.

my daughter has been getting me really upset lately (even more then the usual not lisitening to me and getting me aggravated). what has really been upsetting me lately is that she has been mentioning HIM lately, and if i missed him and if i had forgotten him and what he was doing. and then she would start talking about him and what he had done for her, and if i remembered different things that had happened. she did this to me at least 2 days in a row. she is killing me, just as i am trying to forget him and what happened between us, and the fact that not only did he leave me, but he left the kids too, and they feel that, especially kayla i am constantly reminded of him. and it is killing me, slowly and painfully, i didnt think that it was possible, i thought that my heart was already completely broken, but it seems live everyday i feel another piece of it breaking. my heart is more and more painful now that i now the true reason of why he hasnt contacted me in almost 2 months, and that is because his life is going so good. he has pushed me aside yet again. what else is new. he is doing great, he has no need for me. last night i was so upset and depressed, i am living a life that i seem to have no choices in right now, and it is killing me. i hate living a life that i am forced to live. and on an even better note today is the last day of the weekend that blew by as usual, with cleaning cooking errands and taking care of the kids. tomorrow starts a full week of waking up at 6am to be at work at 7:30am just so that i can get the overtime that i need to make up for the money that my husband isnt giving me anymore towards the groceries. how wonderful. well at least i have labor day (9/4) to look forward to, i get to sit at home and get paid for it. but of course more bad news with that, that cuts back on overtime hours that i could earn that day, and also i wont be able to get any overtime pay for that week, i can just get extra hours pay for that week. so less money for me, even though i will be getting paid for that week. and that same week i am leaving 2 hours early for a doctors appointment, so that is again less money that i will have. my only hope for that is that i will finally have paid time off for that week, because i should have hit my 90 days by then. i should have by then approx 11.1 hours of sick time and also 18.48 hours of vacation time, but i dont know if they let you use that for time off when you are just leaving early or how that works, i am not sure. guess i will have to wait and see.

on another note here is the pictures of my daughter that i promised to post on her first day of first grade:

i know that they are dark, but unforunately, i was using my camera phone and there wasnt that much light behind my daughter. here is another one:

and last but not least

isnt she cute? takes after her mom. see?

yeah i know, not the greatest expression, but that is about the best that i have been able to do in a long time, that is usually the closest that i get to smiling.