I Dont Even Know What To Say

i dont even know what to say right now, except that i wanted to write and update this, but i just cant really think of anything new to say. or anything interesting, like at all. i have, most likely, discovered the reason that HE hasnt been calling me anymore. he hasnt been because apparently he has quit drinking. so i was right last time i posted, the issues that he had he has worked through and is done with. so now he doesnt need or want to talk to me anymore. i know this because i came across his my space site, dont ask how i just did. and had him saying something on there about being a recovering alcoholic and addict, so evidentally he has supposedly quit again. and also he is on there professing his love for his girlfriend and she is professing her love right back, and also it has something on there about him rocking her world, and also something about her wanting to use handcuffs in the shower. so i am probably a really big moron for even looking at this webpage because what was the point in even looking at it. not only does it show me on there that he seems very happy where he is, but also that a lot of other people there are happy with him. there were many other posts from other people on there too. and look at me. i am so miserable in my life, that nothing really seems to make me happy anymore. i have nothing to look forward too. i need to be on my medication again, i need to see a doctor again, i need help. but i just dont even care enough to go, and i no one cares enough about me to make me or tell me to go. i go to work everyday, i come home from work, deal with my kids, give them dinner, get them ready for bed, and then i watch some meaningless movie, and then i go to sleep. i have been thinking recently about kicking my husband out, and just living on my own, but financially i just cant do it. i sat down and figured everything out, all the bills money i make, everything, and i just cant do it. i would be at least 600 dollars short a month. at least. of course, if i could get child support from my sons dad like he should if we were getting divorced or divorced, then that would definetly make it a lot more closer to where i could do it. but he cant even hold on to a job or pay all the bills that he know that he has to know when he needs to do it the most, so would he really give me child support, probably not. like he hardly ever did before when we were seperated. so there is one other thing, that just cant seem to happen, like everything else it seems it is close and within reach, but i just cant seem to grab a hold of it. sort of like having sex with my husband, that just doesnt seem to happen. it was like a month and a half, and there was nothing. and then last week, we tried, and 3/4 of the way after 5 minutes. he stopped and said that he was tired and didnt feel good. and that was it. i dont even know why i even care anymore. i have gotten so used to not having sex anymore, that it doesnt really matter as much anymore. well being that HE has supposedly quit drinking, i am sure that i wont hear from him anymore. so i need to be done with him and all of that now. because he is so happy with his life that i will bet you that i barely get a passing thought. all look at me, i think about him and everything so much. i need to be done with that. you know what is even more depressing? i am pretty close to having a babysitter this weekend, for either friday night or saturday night, and what do i have scheduled to do or what can i do? so far it seems like nothing. i dont really have any friends that i can go out with, or that would go out. wait, let me rephrase that, i dont really have any friends period that live near me. i have people that i talk to, i guess like acquaintances, but no real friends that live near me. and my so called husband, legally named that mostly, has to work at least until like midnight, and i am sure that after getting off work that late, i am sure that he wont to go anywhere. so that is that. my life just really sucks. well, look at that, i guess i really did have some things to say, but it is all nothing new, just the same depressing stuff from my same depressing life.