If You can't Be With The One You Love, Love The One You're With

well, i am trying to get to love the one that i am with, which is my husband. even though there are tons of things everyday that remind me of HIM, it doesnt hurt as bad as it did 10 months ago, 6 months ago, or even 3 months ago. and as much as it is killing me not to talk to him, i think that cutting off all contact between him and me, which basically is that i am trying to not call him or view his blogs or anything, is a good thing right now. because i am not reminded of anything about him, including how good he is doing, or whatever. i am not even going to go into it, because i dont want to get myself started. my husband has been a little more romantic to me lately, and also our sexual frequency has increased, which is a good thing, because we all know how much i love that. well, maybe we all dont, but those closest to me do. anyway...getting off that subject, sort of. i dont know i guess i am just trying to let all the dumb stuff that my husband does go, and just pay attention to the smart things. okay. maybe i shouldnt say smart things maybe i should just say the good things, anyway i am trying this new outlook, hopefully it will work. update on the other things. i ended up staying home with the kids on tuesday, and hopefully will not hear anything about it in the future (i havent heard anything yet). i may even get paid for it, because my direct supervisor said that he things i had already hit my 90 days and that i had paid time off, which would be good. i also had yesterday off because my office didnt open because of the storm, that is automatically paid which is good. by the way the storm wasnt a big deal at all, thank god, it was just a little wind and rain. but at least i am now mostly ready for when (which it hopefully wont) something else comes our way. i talked to the property manager of our building and he said that they would be raising the rent, which i of course knew, they are going to be raising it 75 dollars more a month then what we are paying now. but for only 75 dollars a month, i am thinking that we are going to stay here for another year and then after that i am keeping my fingers crossed that we will be doing okay enough to get a 3 bedroom somewhere. i asked my friend about watching the kids tomorrow night and she had originally said yes when i had called her back to find out, but then this morning she called me up and was saying that she had something for school that was due and that it was due tomorrow, and she didnt know if she was going to be able to get it done in time, and of course if it wasnt done she wouldnt be able to watch the kids. which stinks. so she said for me to call her back tonight before i go to bed to see what is going on. so that is at about 10pm. the car hasnt done anything weird lately like i had written about (knock on wood) so hopefully it will keep behaving itself. and thankfully i havent flipped out yet like i was on the verge of before. but of course, hurricane season and everything else isnt done yet.

The Sky Is Falling, The Sky Is Falling!

okay, yes i know i am not chicken little or whoever that was that was famous for saying that. however, i am freaking right now, because there is a tropical storm, which could become a hurricane very easily barreling right towards me. so i ran around like crazy today after i got off work, making sure that i had everything ready and prepared. meanwhile, i am doing all this while i am freaking out because those of you who know me, know what happened to cause my whole life to turn around last year towards the end of hurricane season. so yeah, not so many good memories there, that is for sure. so i am going crazy with this. then to make things even better, i am not sure what i am doing about work tomorrow, because both of my kids have no school, because there schools are closed, and i have no one to watch my son. and me and my husband are supposed to both be working tomorrow. (the only way that i dont have to work is if there is a hurricane warning issued for the county that i work in, which i dont think is going to haoppen. (so basically that translates into, one of us is screwed.) when i talked to my new manager about it today, who by the way seems pretty cool, she said that if i had to miss work because the school was closed that she wouldnt consider that against with there points thing, beause i have no control over the weather and it isnt my fault. so i only hope that is the case if i do stay home. my husband does make less then me, so me missing work would definetly cost us more, but he already told his boss that he might not be able to go to work tomorrow too. and the way that he is on thin ice at his job constantly, i really dont think that we want to give them an excuse to get mad at him. at least one piece of good news came out of today, if it isnt that bad, and we are all still alive and have power, and the streets arent flooded over (you get the picture) my friend will be watching the kids on friday night so that me and my husband can go out on friday night. so that will be nice, maybe, hopefully, it will happen. this storm has me so upset and stressed thinking about everything that it can effect. lord knows when school will even be in for both of my kids too, they actually go to school in two different counties, which makes it even more difficult. wish me luck, and wish even more for me that i dont flip out by the time that this is done.

If It Wasn't For My Kids....

i know that i would not be around right now, the sad part is that isnt even something that i am just guessing i know that is a fact. i had a up and down day today, the up of the day was that i took my kids to the park near our house today, for about an hour and a half, and they had a lot of fun, and then we had chinese delivered for dinner, and my daughter actually kept saying thank you for everything, that she had fun today. (and she is 6, so you can understand why i would be amazed.) the down side of today, was that, as usual there was a million things that reminded me of him, and i thought about him some. then there were new things to worry about and get upset about that popped up today. one of them was that my car did the jerky thing that it did once before when i was driving it, except this time it did it about 3 times. i am thinking (but so desperately hoping that i am wrong) that it is the transmission because it seems like it is getting stuck in one gear and wont get out of it for a minute. i told me ex (my daughters father) that and he said that he doubted it because my car is an 02 (which i of course have to make payments on) but with my luck you never know. then of course there is also that there is a hurricane that is headed in my direction, it has been now downgraded to a tropical storm, but who knows with these stupid things. one minute you are fine, the next minute they are saying that you have like 1-2 days to prepare, and you have to start running around like a crazy person. and then there is the fact that the last time that i heard, the apartment that i am living in now, that my husband can barely make the rent at, is supposed to be raising the rent. the next time that we are supposed to be signing the lease, if we wanted to renew would be the end of november, and they are going to be raising about 100-150 dollars a month more. and i am sure that they are going to be doing it, because they have been remodeling the outside of the apartments by putting a new roof on (not on my building, but on the other one) and also by painting the apartments. so i dont know what to do, it seems that all the other apartments i have been looking at seem like they are pretty expensive too, and then we would have to find one that would except us with the bad credit and with the dog. but on the other hand, i dont really want to sign a lease for another year somewhere where if the rent is raised to that amount, i know that i wouldnt be able to pay that by myself if anything happened. i wouldnt even be able to come close. so that is something that i honestly dont know what to do about right now. and this car thing has me upset too, because if there is something really wrong with it that i am going to have to fix, then no matter how much that it is, i am going to have to fix it, and take that out of the little money that i have remaining in case of emergencies. (translation, for when/and if you know who screws up completely again). so i dont know what to do about that anymore. the sad thing is that the amount that they will be most likely be asking for rent, isnt that different then what most other apartments are asking for, it is about the same. apartments have gone up so much lately, and most apartments are going to condos, there is really no hope for renters who are trying to scrape by on the little amount of money that they make. my daughter has had a loose tooth in her mouth for the longest time that has just been hanging on, and apparently her and my son were playing and he kicked her in the mouth, and knocked most of the tooth out. so she runs into my room this morning when i was still sleeping, screaming that my son knocked her tooth out, and she is bleeding away. so i had to pull the tooth completely out, because it was hanging, and let her try to stop the blood. so anyway after that traumatic experience, she is now missing yet another tooth on the bottom. here is the picture:






that is a close up one so you can see, it is the one on the right side on the bottom.




here is another one of her looking cute:







isnt she cute?





on a different note, i just found out last night that my husband is going to have off friday night from work. that is something that hasnt occured ever since he has started this job, because friday, saturday and sunday nights are there busiest nights. so i decided to try to take advantage of that fact, because i have been whining about not being able to go out or do anything, and i called up my friend who watches the kids overnight for me once every few months so that i can go somewhere. and i asked her about friday night, she said that she would let me know tomorrow because she had to check her schedule. here is hoping, i really do want to go out. the only thing that stinks is that my husband wont have any money, because he will be using all his money to pay the rent, i hope, which isnt a bad thing i suppose. so everything that we do, including the money that i give my friend right in the beginning for putting up with my kids for the hours that she does, will be paid for by me. but who knows, even though it will be all at my expense and is probably not money that i should even be spending, maybe it will be what me and my husband need. i dont know. i havent even said anything to him yet, because i dont want to ruin it or him to get upset if it doesnt happen. i will see what she says tomorrow. i really hope that she can, it being a lot of money or not. i know that i need a night of going out.

Not That Much New Going On

same old, same old, i just havent written because nothing new has been going on. i am still working overtime at work, trying to get as many hours as i can with the kids and my husbands schedule so that i can make up for the money that he is supposed to be giving me and hasnt been. i have been trying to figure out what is going on with my health and everything else, and have been going to the doctors at least 2 times a month. i have another appointment coming up next month in the beginning of the month. my job, thankfully, has been okay with approving me to leave early to go to my doctors appointments, hopefully as i need it that will continue. that is all i ask, i am happy with this job and the way that they have been treating me. so as long as it continues everything is good. next week makes me there officially 90 days, and unofficially 5 months. i have been trying to forget HIM, as it seems that he as forgotten or no longer cares about me, but i have not been doing that good at that. i have been having dreams with him in them, nothing sexual, just usually it is that we are back together, the one i vividly remember is that we were back together and that he had a truck similar to the one that he had before, but the only difference is that it was the extended cab version, which when we were together he had talked briefly about getting. then my daughter was starting with me about it again today, asking if i missed him and things like that. so first i lied and told her now, then i said that even if i did it didnt really matter anyway, because he wasnt coming back. and then she said something that really cut me to the heart, she said that when i was with him that she was happy and that when i moved back with my husband, that she wasnt happy anymore. which if i go back and think about it, her behavior problems in school, and at home with her having an attitude only really started once the hurricane happened and he had left and didnt come back. so maybe that is the cause of her behavior issues, if it is, then that is just one more person that i can blame him for really hurting (other then me of course). someone was asking me, that if i have a babysitter, which i can i just have to call her and ask her, and we can work out the day that she can watch them, why i dont go out. and i told her the truth, that since everything i just lost my will to do that, i really just lost my will to do anything. i really only do what i have to so i can stay alive. (barely). i eat, i sleep, i work so i can make money for my kids, and i shop so we have groceries and necessities in the house. oh and i go to the doctors to get medication to deal with all my conditions enough so that i can drag myself to work everyday. that is all i really do. the last enjoyable thing that i did was go on a day cruise with my mom the middle of last month, and that wasnt really for me, it was more for her to treat her to good for everything that she does for me and has done for me. not hearing from HIM is killing me, and i want to call him or look on his blog or his yahoo profile. or all of the above. but from what i saw last time on his blog and profile, he is incredibly happy, so i should just let it go. because i know that if i look on it again, and read all about how happy he is, it will kill me more and more. so i am going to try to keep myself from hurting myself even more. i really have, it is like i have just lost my will to live, i really dont care about doing anything anymore. i just go through everything like i robot. i go through the daily motions, and then i do the same thing everyday. with as little emotion as possible. i just really dont care about that much anymore.

An Awakening?

well, i had a discussion with my husband last night, about money and his job and everything because i have been getting very upset with him lately. so far, as of now, he only has 380 dollars towards the bills, and he needs 620 dollars towards it, and he only has 2 more paychecks left where he can get that money. and then if he isnt able to make a deal with the daycare for the next few weeks, then he really has a problem. i have been working overtime with my job, an average of at least 5 hours a week just so that i can pay my husbands share of the groceries that he is supposed to give me. so finally i got upset last night and started crying, because you can only take so much stress and be upset until you finally breakdown. so i had a breakdown last night, and was telling him that this was upsetting me. and he kept saying that he would have enough money for the rent, and that he was just going to start cashing his paychecks and giving the whole thing to me. yeah right, lets see if that happens. i also made the point to him that even if he did give me his whole paychecks from just what he is making now, that it still wont be enough for him to pay his bills and his portion of my sons daycare. i didnt even mention the grocery money that he doesnt even give me. so he said that it was good that i was doing so good at my job to try to keep everything together and that he is proud of me for that. i also made the point that they are going to be raising the rent the end of november, and he cant even afford this rent, so how is he going to pay a higher rent? so he said that he was going to try to do better for us, and that he was sorry, and that maybe he would even start trying to look for a second job or something else. i am really not sure what i am going to do about them raising the rent here, i dont know if i really want to sign a lease for another year with it being even more money, when i know that if something happens i cant even pay how much that it is now without it even being raised. i havent really figured out what the best plan of action is to deal with it right now.

my daughter has been getting me really upset lately (even more then the usual not lisitening to me and getting me aggravated). what has really been upsetting me lately is that she has been mentioning HIM lately, and if i missed him and if i had forgotten him and what he was doing. and then she would start talking about him and what he had done for her, and if i remembered different things that had happened. she did this to me at least 2 days in a row. she is killing me, just as i am trying to forget him and what happened between us, and the fact that not only did he leave me, but he left the kids too, and they feel that, especially kayla i am constantly reminded of him. and it is killing me, slowly and painfully, i didnt think that it was possible, i thought that my heart was already completely broken, but it seems live everyday i feel another piece of it breaking. my heart is more and more painful now that i now the true reason of why he hasnt contacted me in almost 2 months, and that is because his life is going so good. he has pushed me aside yet again. what else is new. he is doing great, he has no need for me. last night i was so upset and depressed, i am living a life that i seem to have no choices in right now, and it is killing me. i hate living a life that i am forced to live. and on an even better note today is the last day of the weekend that blew by as usual, with cleaning cooking errands and taking care of the kids. tomorrow starts a full week of waking up at 6am to be at work at 7:30am just so that i can get the overtime that i need to make up for the money that my husband isnt giving me anymore towards the groceries. how wonderful. well at least i have labor day (9/4) to look forward to, i get to sit at home and get paid for it. but of course more bad news with that, that cuts back on overtime hours that i could earn that day, and also i wont be able to get any overtime pay for that week, i can just get extra hours pay for that week. so less money for me, even though i will be getting paid for that week. and that same week i am leaving 2 hours early for a doctors appointment, so that is again less money that i will have. my only hope for that is that i will finally have paid time off for that week, because i should have hit my 90 days by then. i should have by then approx 11.1 hours of sick time and also 18.48 hours of vacation time, but i dont know if they let you use that for time off when you are just leaving early or how that works, i am not sure. guess i will have to wait and see.

on another note here is the pictures of my daughter that i promised to post on her first day of first grade:

i know that they are dark, but unforunately, i was using my camera phone and there wasnt that much light behind my daughter. here is another one:

and last but not least

isnt she cute? takes after her mom. see?

yeah i know, not the greatest expression, but that is about the best that i have been able to do in a long time, that is usually the closest that i get to smiling.

Sooooo Scared Right Now And Upset

lets not forget upset. i am just so scared and upset right now that it isnt even funny. my stupid husband was supposed to give me 200 dollars out of his paycheck this week to save for the rent so that he might have just enough for it, if he doesnt have to pay for my sons daycare the rest of this month, and what does he do. he only gives me 100 and says that his paycheck was only 180 and that he had to give the other 80 to someone that he owed money too, which is the same thing that he told me 2 weeks ago when he got rid of like another 60 dollars. which i am sure that is total bull you know what, i just hope that he isnt getting into what he was into before, that is the major thing that i am scared of. i am just so unhappy with him, and the thing that is stopping me from just being done with this and getting him out is that i cant financially do it alone. if i knew that he was going to give me over 600 dollars in child support per month like he would have to with the salary that he would make 10 an hour, and the 250 for daycare for my son, then i would be able to do it. but i cant count on that, because look at how good he is and has always been about paying things that he has to. the only thing that i can count on is getting 250 dollars from my daughters father for child support and that doesnt really help out much towards a 950 dollar a month rent (which it is not going to be in a few months, supposedly they are supposed to be raising the rent.) another thing that i still cant seem to get over is HIM, of course now that everything is good with him, i am not hearing from him. and i am sure that i wont ever again, as long as things keep going good. the end of this month will make 2 months since i have spoken with him, and then the beginning of next month will make 2 months since he has even called me. so that is a really long time considering. i was thinking that maybe i need to get a man on the side, but there really isnt much point in that, what type of relationship or man could i have if they know (because i would be honest with them) that i still am living with my husband. even though it isnt like i have a choice right now, but still. so there probably isnt much of a point in that, i might as well just use my toy, at least it cant talk. the real reason that i have been considering getting a man on the side is because i just want to feel loved which is something that my husband never makes me feel. on a different note, the end of this month makes 3 months that i have (technically) been at my job, and that will make me past my probationary period, and have paid time off and everything else with that. also that makes 5 months that i have actually been (physically) working at my job. i am just so upset right now that i really dont have anything else left to say.

The 5 Reasons That I Am Aggravated

With My Husband Right Now....

1. He took my car without asking me if he could borrow it, and when i discovered that he had taken it (he didnt even tell me after either) he wouldnt even tell me where he had taken it too. This is wrong for many different reasons, not only just that he didnt ask me or tell me.

2. He took a nap yesterday, and slept through the alarm clock, and didnt pick up my son from daycare. Therefore making me do it and have a heart attack thinking that something had happened.

3. He took the pack of quarters ($10) that i had paid for us to do laundry for the week to the laundry room in our complex, and then forget it there and someone supposedly stole it, so now i had to buy more so that i could wash my clothes.

4. I tried to wake him up to have sex this morning in a way that men like, he woke up enough to let me do some to him and get mine, but then he ended it very suddenly because (acting like) he didnt care enough about it to do anything else.

5. He was home today while i was busting my butt at work, and was on my computer looking at personal ads of women with their pictures, and lord knows what else he was doing while he was on there.

I Dont Even Know What To Say

i dont even know what to say right now, except that i wanted to write and update this, but i just cant really think of anything new to say. or anything interesting, like at all. i have, most likely, discovered the reason that HE hasnt been calling me anymore. he hasnt been because apparently he has quit drinking. so i was right last time i posted, the issues that he had he has worked through and is done with. so now he doesnt need or want to talk to me anymore. i know this because i came across his my space site, dont ask how i just did. and had him saying something on there about being a recovering alcoholic and addict, so evidentally he has supposedly quit again. and also he is on there professing his love for his girlfriend and she is professing her love right back, and also it has something on there about him rocking her world, and also something about her wanting to use handcuffs in the shower. so i am probably a really big moron for even looking at this webpage because what was the point in even looking at it. not only does it show me on there that he seems very happy where he is, but also that a lot of other people there are happy with him. there were many other posts from other people on there too. and look at me. i am so miserable in my life, that nothing really seems to make me happy anymore. i have nothing to look forward too. i need to be on my medication again, i need to see a doctor again, i need help. but i just dont even care enough to go, and i no one cares enough about me to make me or tell me to go. i go to work everyday, i come home from work, deal with my kids, give them dinner, get them ready for bed, and then i watch some meaningless movie, and then i go to sleep. i have been thinking recently about kicking my husband out, and just living on my own, but financially i just cant do it. i sat down and figured everything out, all the bills money i make, everything, and i just cant do it. i would be at least 600 dollars short a month. at least. of course, if i could get child support from my sons dad like he should if we were getting divorced or divorced, then that would definetly make it a lot more closer to where i could do it. but he cant even hold on to a job or pay all the bills that he know that he has to know when he needs to do it the most, so would he really give me child support, probably not. like he hardly ever did before when we were seperated. so there is one other thing, that just cant seem to happen, like everything else it seems it is close and within reach, but i just cant seem to grab a hold of it. sort of like having sex with my husband, that just doesnt seem to happen. it was like a month and a half, and there was nothing. and then last week, we tried, and 3/4 of the way after 5 minutes. he stopped and said that he was tired and didnt feel good. and that was it. i dont even know why i even care anymore. i have gotten so used to not having sex anymore, that it doesnt really matter as much anymore. well being that HE has supposedly quit drinking, i am sure that i wont hear from him anymore. so i need to be done with him and all of that now. because he is so happy with his life that i will bet you that i barely get a passing thought. all look at me, i think about him and everything so much. i need to be done with that. you know what is even more depressing? i am pretty close to having a babysitter this weekend, for either friday night or saturday night, and what do i have scheduled to do or what can i do? so far it seems like nothing. i dont really have any friends that i can go out with, or that would go out. wait, let me rephrase that, i dont really have any friends period that live near me. i have people that i talk to, i guess like acquaintances, but no real friends that live near me. and my so called husband, legally named that mostly, has to work at least until like midnight, and i am sure that after getting off work that late, i am sure that he wont to go anywhere. so that is that. my life just really sucks. well, look at that, i guess i really did have some things to say, but it is all nothing new, just the same depressing stuff from my same depressing life.

"So Much For My Happy Ending"

from "My Happy Ending" sung by Avril Levigne

well, my dumb husband has somehow managed to piss off the manager at the one remaining job that he has left right now, which doesnt even completely pay our bills, and claims that he got sent home early from work yesterday because of the attitude that he doesnt have. yeah right, i know him well enough to know that he had an attitude. so lets see how long this job lasts, because he is already saying things like he doesnt know if he will be staying there, and that he doesnt want to hear her mouth anymore and things like that, so that just doesnt sound like it will work out very well. what else is new. something that is new that has been going on for several weeks now is that he has been staying up at night, watching tv in the living room, and then falling asleep on the couch, and never being bed with me or sleeping next to me. sex is non existent. he doesnt even touch me, he is full of the words i love you, but what else is new, he doesnt show it to me, it is just words. i took my kids to a birthday party of someone that i work with's child, and it was at a bowling alley. and i went there with both of my kids, and i was trying to help my son bowl, and they had a dj who said that this song was dedicated from somone. and it was one of those songs about finally finding someone that you truly loved that felt the same way about you. and i was so close to crying when i heard that song, because that isnt something that i have, at all. and i honestly dont know if i will ever have that. i am so miserable and upset that isnt even funny. i can honestly say that i dont love my husband, and i really dont think that he loves me. i had to have an ultrasound done of some organs, because the doctor wanted to make sure that they were okay because of all the issues that i am having, and i was thinking with all the stuff that has been going on lately, what if there is like a tumor there or something, i am sure that is like what he is looking for. and when i told my husband that he said that well you would just have to try to fight it and survive. but i really dont care about fighting back anymore, i am just so tired of fighting. if it happens, it happens. i still havent heard from HIM of course, everything must be going good with HIM and his long term relationship girlfriend. i know that he is definetly alive and okay, because just reposted his profile on the 5th, with a new picture of himself all dressed up wearing a tie and smiling, and of course it still says on there in a long term relationship. so obviously he has forgotten about me, so i should do the same. i think that i dont really actually miss HIM, i think that i really miss how things were in the beginning and the middle of our relationship, how we were so good together, so in love, and so happy. i cant really remember being that happy other then that. isnt it funny though, he is the one that decided to never come back, and he is happy now. and i am the one that got left, and did some of this to myself, and i am the miserable depressed one. go figure. guess whatever issues that he was going through in june he is over now. i dont want to talk about it anymore, i am just making myself worse.