I Am Trying So Hard

to stay sane and not lose it over everything that is going on. it just seems like it is all too much for me to manage, and i am having a really bad time dealing with all of it. i apologize if you have called me lately, especially today, and i havent called you back, but i am just so lost in my own issues and battling the depression that is coming on so strong, that i just dont want to talk to a lot of people. only a select few have gotten to talk to me lately. i just dont want to deal with it right now. i dont want to hear other peoples opinions, their sympathy, their questions, because they are just getting me even more upset, and stressed. i will be the first one to say that i am scared (among many other things right now). i am scared that i am making the wrong decision, i am scared that this will bite me in the butt later, and most importantly it is scaring the crap out of me to put my trust in another man, because other then my father, what man in my life hasnt ended up screwing me over or hurting me so badly in the end. (or both). none of them, they all have. the reason i am soooooo scared, to make a long story really short, is that me and the guy went to look at an apartment on saturday, and we liked it, so we applied for it to get it. it is a 3/2, which is so nice for my kids. so i found about two hours later that we had gotten it, and that it would be ready for us to move in on the 13th. and i told him about it, and we are planning on doing it. (this is assuming that he doesnt get the job that is like 3 hours away, but that is something else) so today being the 2nd is flipping me out enough because that is not that long from now, and then i have husband who has basically figured out that i want to leave, or that i am leaving him, and he is crying sobbing threatening me cursing at me, and anything that he can possibly think of to make me stay. so i have that deal with everyday after work. i am trying to so hard to get through all of this. i am so scared that i am going to get screwed over, that he is going to bail out at the last minute, or something like that. i dont know, i know that the whole thing is making me a wreck. i am the most stressed out then i can remember in a while. my husband got a job on friday and is now claiming that he has spoken with the landlord and that she said that the 300.00 that he is planning on giving her on saturday plus the other two payments that he is planning on giving her the rest of this month is fine, and not to worry about it. so it would appear that we arent going to get evicted, at least at this time anyway. so technically it would appear that i could stay here, at least for now, and the funny thing is that whenever i think of what he is saying about how he really loves me, and please dont leave him he will make it all better he will change, i just start crying. i guess i still have an amount of feelings for him, and that is why. but the way that things are, i would have to be insane to make the decision to stay with him when i have the opportunity to get out of this situation. not that i dont like this guy at all. i really do, he seems like a really nice guy. and i really like him, he treats me good. i guess i am just wary of him and trying to guard myself because i dont want to get hurt again. i did speak with him about my worries about him getting the job that is three hours away, because he still doesnt know about that, and that is another thing that is stressing me out too. so he said that if he did get it, that it wouldnt be a big issue for me and the kids to go up there with him without me having a job up there yet, and he said that he could cover the bills (mine and his) for me for a month which is the most that we are thinking it would take me to get a job up there. and then he also that with the way that things are (with him paying off for my car, more on that a minute) that if i wanted to i would only have to get a part time job, a few nights a week just to pay my bills and help with the groceries. so that was good too, that way i could be home with the kids during the day and not worry about child care fees too. so that gave me something to think about and got some stress off me. then the other thing i mentioned to him was if he did find out that he had gotten the job and had to move if we would still be able to move on the 13th, 14th which is the dates that are pretty much set here. and he said yes, that would definetly be the goal that he would aim for. so basically he would do the best of his ability to do that. he also said that he had cashed in an IRA and that he was planning on paying some of his bills off with it so that it would free up some of his money and he wouldnt be cutting it so close with paying everything. now the latest thing that he has been saying is that he wants to pay off for my car, on friday he said that he would have the money and the check and be able too. and that would free up my money so that i could help him more with the rent. and that would also give me some extra money too after that. because he would only ask for 200 more a month then he was before with the rent, and my car payment is 300 a month, so i would be left with a 100 extra per month that i would have. so now do you see what i mean? it is almost like he is too good to be true, saying all these things and it all sounding so good, and like it might really work, and that i might just might be really happy. it is like i am holding my breath, just waiting for something to happen or go wrong, or for him to do me wrong. i really have issues with trust. i really do, i will be the first one to admit that, and with everything that i have been through can you honestly blame me though? probably not, i am just so scared about it. and then in my head i am being so stupid. for example, i know that today he is with his mother because she is having a serious procedure done tomorrow, so i knew i wasnt really going to get to talk to him much today, and i know that he is going to be busy with that. so i shouldnt even be expecting him to call i guess, but he hasnt called, and i am thinking that something is wrong. it isnt like i havent heard from him at all today, he texted me this afternoon, i texted him back, then i called him, and he called me back a few minutes later. that was at about 6pm, and i havent heard from him since. and i know that i am probably being stupid, i just cant help it. i guess that i have been dumped and hurt so much that i am just thinking and scared that it is going to happen again. and i am so afraid of getting my hopes up and everytime that i start to get excited about thinking about any of it that i catch myself basically and then get scared all over again that i am looking forward to something that i could let down with and get hurt all over. it is like an endless cycle, the amount of stress and anxiety that i am under, is making my depression even worse, i cant focus on anything, i cant concentrate hardly at all, i am a mess. if i had the money and didnt have to save every nickel i would be back on my medicine, cause i know that especially right now i need it, but i just cant afford it. i am not on any medicine, not even birth control right now, not one medicine, because i just cant pay for it. by the way, i got my period on friday, so i am not pregnant. whhheeeewww. not that it would have been that huge of a bad thing, cause i know it would have been the guys not a question cause i havent been with anyone else, but the timing would just have been so not good. i am going to try to go now so that i can get some sleep. hopefully i actually get a good nights sleep. because i really need it.