Happy 5th Anniversary

well today was my 5th anniversary of marriage with my husband, not that it really matters right now anyway. but just thought that i would bring that up. and he was actually amusing enough to mention us having sex tonight, and that he would have liked too, but that i am not on birth control right now, and that he doesnt want to accidentally get me pregnant if a little swimmer escapes. i really wanted to say why the hell would you think that you would have sex with me anyway, but i didnt, i just let that go. so anyway, surprisingly enough, he didnt even remember that it was our anniversary, which didnt really surprise me at all. and he didnt even really do anything for it, except to give me 15.00 for me to use or get something for myself. i didnt say anything, just took it and said thank you, i figure all the years of him borrowing money off me and never giving it back, and all the beer and cigarettes i have bought him that its okay to take it. i deserve it. he was all excited today because he is supposed to be starting yet another job tomorrow, where they are wanting him to work from open to close, like a 10am-11pm shift and then 7 days a week. so he has been talking about that all day. to bad that he isnt going to be starting that starting tomorrow, he is actually only going to be working there at night for like the first week starting tomorrow and then he will supposedly be doing this open to close thing there. so as of right now he still has the shift on saturday (which is set for my move day) from 8am-noon which is what he usually works, so hopefully he will work that, and then he is supposed to also work at the other place at night. so basically relating to the moving thing on saturday that doesnt really make any difference because we are still going to have to make sure that we have everything done and gone, and we are gone before like 11:30am just to be on the safe side, and then that is of course if nothing changes. because with him you never know. he might not go to work that day, he might go in late to work that day. who knows with him. everything else that i have been thinking about has pretty much been resolved, the electric and cable i have taken care of, and have them as being turned off at this place on sunday, and have them turned on at the new one on friday. which is the day that we are signing the lease there, and the day that he is moving his stuff in. the water he took care of, and said that it is scheduled to be turned on for friday also. my mom reserved a moving truck for me for saturday morning, which is when i am moving, so that is taken care of for me. and he said that his dad was having a truck held for him for friday. so that is done for him. the only thing that is left to do is to go there on friday as soon as i get out of work, which i am leaving work early at 2pm, and meet him there for us to give them all the money and sign the lease. then i am going to probably have to help him move his things in, or whatever ones of them that he cant handle by himself, then i am going to go get the kids, and the original plan was that i was going to leave the kids here with my "husband" and go back over there to help him or whatever later on that night. but now it changed because "husband" is supposed to be working that night at this new job, so i told him that, and that i wasnt going to be able to come over because i didnt have a sitter, so he said to bring them and we would have a little sleepover, and they could sleep in sleeping bags in there new rooms. (it is a 3 bedroom so they are each going to get their own rooms) so i said that i didnt think that was a good idea, because the next morning when i brought them back to the old place, if he was there, they would tell him where they were and what they did, and that wouldnt be good. i want to get all of my stuff and get out of here before he finds anything out like that. so he suggested that i just leave them there with him that morning, and do my moving and packing by myself. which would definetly be easier for me that is for sure. so i said that it sounded like a good idea and that i was going to think more about it and let him know. so i did think about it and next time that i talk to him, which will probably be tomorrow morning (because he isnt supposed to be getting out of work tonight until 11pm and i dont think that i will make it until then) i will tell him that i thought about it and that it was a good idea, i just want to stress to him that if i do that, there is no way that they can come with me back here the next morning, there is absoluetely no way, it cant happen not matter what. so i will say that and make sure that he understands that, then as long as he agrees then it is okay. another good thing is that one of my friends is supposed to be coming over saturday morning to help me pack up, and get everything ready to be moved. i asked another friend if her husband could come and help because my "husband" knows him so even if he did show up its not like he would be starting anythign with him. so she said that if he wasnt working that he probaby would. so i hope that he can too, because the more people the better. i honestly dont know if i am strong enough to lift the couch, which is something that i really want. i believe that is the heaviest thing that will have to be moved. so that will help a lot. the more people that are here to help the better that it will be. because we are under a time limit, i want to have everything out of here before he comes home, because i really dont want any drama or confrontation. i really dont. if he sees us or comes home, then of course there is nothing that i can do about that, but i really hope not. i dont want to deal with that, especially with my family and friends here. and then there is the fact that there are neighbors that are his friends, and that they have his phone number so if they see me moving the stuff, they just might call him and tell him that, and he might come here just because of them telling him. actually there isnt that much of a question in my mind, i am pretty sure that if they tell him he will come. i am nervous about that part. but worrying about it isnt going to help right? i need to keep repeating that to myself. and then there is the fact that he is so happy about getting this new job, and he is saying that we are going to be doing so much better now, and that now there is nothing to worry about, and all of that. and on one hand i guess a tiny part of me wanted to believe him, and think that everything really would be okay, but then i thought about all of the other times that something like this has happened, where he was saying that he got a really good paying job, and that there was plenty of hours for him to work, and he would be back on his feet in no time, and then something would always happen. i guess that i need to keep remembering things like that. my dad said something interesting to me yesterday, when i went over their house to pick up my son, he said he had one main focus right now, so i asked him what it was, and he said that it was getting me out of here and away from him. i was pretty surprised to hear him say that. but i guess that tells me something right there, they have seen how much i have gone through with him, so he especially was basically saying to me that i need to get out of here. and out of this situation.

on a different story, i got really stressed out and upset today at work, because when i had given my dog up i had forgotten to take his tags off of his collar. so my moms phone number was on there, to contact. and someone found him in the street said he almost got hit by a car, and was calling for someone to come and get him. so my mom of course called me while i was at work. it ended up that the person who found him, connected with the person that i had given him too, and gave him the dog back. apparently he had him outside and he supposedly jumped the fence, so now the guy knows not to leave him outside like that unattended. (i called him to make sure that he realizes that.) i spoke with him and told him again about his issues especially with storms and things like that, and that him being left outside by himself isnt good, and that he probably would run away again. so he said that he knew now, and that he would keep him inside of his place when he left or couldnt watch him. so i told him about his little tearing things up if loose and in a storm issue, and he said that he didnt care because he didnt really care that much about his things that he had anyway. so okay, he cant say that i didnt warn him. he also said something about taking the collar and tags off, and getting them changed to his number, i hope that he does. in the beginning before i was able to talk to him i was so upset that i just wanted the dog back, but after that i felt better about it. i could tell that he really liked the dog, and was happy that we had given him to him, he was even saying something about having a barbeque and inviting me and the kids over, and also giving me money for the dog. which i immediately said that i didnt want, my only concern was that he was taken well care of. so after i talked to him i felt better at least. because while i was at work and was talking to my mom before i talked to the guy i got so upset i could barely talk and concentrate i was basically crying. when i was thinking about getting the dog back before i had talked to the guy who i gave him too, i talked to the guy that i am moving in with, and asked him if it would matter to him if i brought the dog with us, and got him back, and he said that it wouldnt be an issue for him, he didnt mind either way, but that he wouldnt have the money for the deposit for the dog, so i said that if i could come up with the money if it was okay, and he said that he didnt care. so tomorrow i will tell him that i am not going to do that just to let him know, because i know that he has to know the exact totals because he is coming up with all the money for the deposit, first month, and all of the move in money, i have no money to give, and he is taking care of all of it.

i went for an interview today for a job which is about the same thing that i have now, same basic responsibilities, same hours, only about 5 minutes more south, so not that much of a change. and the interview actually went really good, the lady seemed like she really wanted to hire me, and kept saying how well suited i seemed for the position and how i sounded like a good candidate. so i believe that i pretty much had the job, the only part where we got stuck was on the pay. i wanted more then what i am paid now, and she said that they have a range of pay based on how long you have been in the medical billing field, and i have technically only been in medical billing for over a year, in medical it has been over 3 years, but they are being specific and saying medical billing. so they said that for my one year in medical billing the range of pay that they could give would be ranging from a dollar an hour less then what i make now, to exactly what i make now. and she asked if that would be okay, so i said that there was no way i was going to take a drop in my pay, and that the same amount that i make wasnt acceptable either, i want to leave making more money, and that i was looking for at least a dollar an hour more then what i am making now. so she said that she would have to speak with her supervisor about that and see what they said and get back to me about it. she said that she would call me on friday about that. so on friday i am supposed to be signing the lease, helping him possibly move a few things, staying over there with the kids (once i talk to him a little more about that of course, and make sure), waiting for my friend to tell me if her husband can help move my things, waiting for this lady to call me back, i think that it is it, or that is all that i can remember right now. whew. okay i am going to go now and try to get some sleep. i really have to try to relax now.

My Day Yesterday

yesterday was an incredibly hard day for me, i ended up going to the mans house who was interesting in my dog, and then leaving him there with the man. i brought over all his dog food i had left, treats, bones, you name it, i brought it there everything i had for him. and i was fine up until the time that i kissed my dog on the head, said goodbye and walked away from them. then i lost it and started to cry while i was getting in my car. luckily i had went with the guy, so before i started to cry and get in the car, i handed him the keys to my car, and said to him okay you are driving. so he drove and for about 5 or 10 minutes until i got a grip on myself i cried. he wasnt that bad comfort wise, he saw that i was crying said oh i am sorry you really taking this hard. and i said that i was, and started to cry harder. and he was trying to comfort me, holding my hand, and telling me that i made the right decision. so at least where guys go with comforting women who are crying he didnt do that bad. then we went to get something for dinner, but before we did that, i asked him to stop and get me some tylenol because i had a headache from all the crying. so he did, and paid for it too at the register, i swear it keeps amazing me that without blinking wherever we go he pays for everything. even at kmart to get me some tylenol. so anyway, i took the tylenol, and thankfully i felt better, then we went to tgi friday's had dinner, then kept on the long trip back to our home area. because the guys house for the dog was about 45 minutes to an hour away. so we got to our home area, then we went to a mcdonalds, had a little dessert, and while we were there he called his car insurance company. and found out exactly what it would be to add me to his policy as a driver with my car. it only made his monthly payment 82 more dollars then it was before, and i could be added as a driver and not have to change the name or anything on my title my car would still completely remain in my name, nothing would have to change with that. so with all of that found out, he had them add me to his policy. so i now have car insurance under his policy, saving me 68 dollars per month that i dont have to spend, because before i was spending 150 a month and now it is going to be 82 a month. which is great, that makes me happy. and then with me not having a car payment anymore, because he paid that off, and also with my health insurance dropping 45 dollars a month less then i have to pay, things are getting better financially, so that i can afford this move and these bills without worrying about how i am going to be paying them. so that is a relief. something that is aggravating me now is that fact that they are saying that by florida law i have to have the declarations page out of the new policy in order for me to cancel the old one. so now i had to have the guy call the car insurance that he just added me too, to ask for the page to be sent to him and emailed to him, and as soon as he gets it, which he said that they promised would be within 48 hours. so that is good, the sooner the better. they did say something that was good which was that no matter if it does take me 2-3 weeks the date that i got the other policy would be the date that this one gets cancelled, so that is good. at least i wont really have to be paying on two policys. in the end at least anyway, according to what she said. so that was today was trying to make sense of the whole car insurance thing, and of course being sad about the dog, and then also having to call up the place that we are supposed to be moving into and telling them that we arent going to be having the dog there, and asking what had to be done for that. which thankfully isnt that big of a deal to fix at all. and i of course did all of this on a very few amount of hours of sleep, because i tried to go to sleep last night starting at 11:30pm and probably didnt actually fall asleep until maybe 1am if i was lucky. and then i kept waking up every hour or hour and a half i just had so much on my mind. so i talked to the guy tonight and was telling him about my issue with sleeping last night, and he asked why, so i told him that it was because i was so nervous about not having a truck reserved, not having the electric or the cable turned off here, or switched over to there or ready to go, and basically just not knowing where i was moving to for a hundred percent sure. i cant keep going on like this i need to know. so anyway we talked it out and he said that we are going to go and sign the lease on the 13th in the afternoon like planned no matter what at the place that is here, and that if he did find out that he got the job, in a few weeks we could always transfer with that property because they did offer that in a location that was close to where he would have to be located for the other job. so i think that would work better anyway, we could move all our things from the same house, give me more time to give my job notice, and to start trying to find a job up there, and all of that stuff. so we agreed on that. we agreed on the fact that no matter what on the 13th we are signing the lease for the apartment that is here. and that is that no matter what, then we could transfer if we had to to another location (the lease). so tomorrow i am going to call the electric and completely cancel it, cause he is supposed to have that in his name, and transfer the cable, because i am going to have that in my name. then i am also going to give the information to my mom to reserve the uhaul truck to make sure that is ready to go. i just cant help it i keep worrying about if something is going to go wrong, and all of that stuff. i am killing myself with all of this worrying i know it, i need to stop, it is so hard. i was so tired at work today that i really hope that i didnt mess anything up, because i was so out of it, and i really couldnt concentrate. it is really so hard for me to not worry, because i am counting so much on this now. i am prepared and ready (or as much as i will be mentally). and now with me booking the truck and cancelling the electric and moving the cable it has to happen. so i am worried, not as worried as i was before with him not having a plan and leaving everything to the last minute, so at least i am better. i was having my second thoughts (well not really second thoughts), just trying to make sure in my head that this is the right decision, because i have made so many decisions in my life that i have thought in the end that were the wrong decisions that i second third and fourth guess like everything, and then i am still scared that i am making the wrong decision. but something happened today with my stupid husband which made me think that i was making the true and correct decision. he had promised the landlord 300.00 on saturday, but he didnt have it. so he called her up this morning and said that he would have it for her today, instead he only had me bring her 250.00 today. and lord knows what happened to the other 150.00 that he had, because saturday he had 300.00 from his new job, and he had gotten at least 100.00 from the old job that he had, that paid him today. so 150.00 dollars vanished. supposedly. and then also supposedly the landlord was nice enough to tell him that she would work with him as long as he kept to what he said, which he didnt, he promised her 300.00 today. and never mind that the rent was due on the 1st in the amount of 1025.00 and that today is the 9th and he only has paid 250.00 of that, leaving him 775.00 behind in rent right now. that is so incredible i cant even believe it, and knowing that you are that behind in your rent you should put every cent that you have towards the rent, instead of doing god knows what with the other 150.00. go figure. so i guess that is enough to tell me that i am making a valid decision here. not that i really dont care for the guy that i am moving in with, because i do care for him, but me with my decision making skills i question everything. so i hope that i am not making the wrong decision but i dont think that i am. and the way that this guy is acting and going about things, he is really taking care of things and seems like he is what i need. and he makes me happy, and laugh a lot, for funny things and stupid things. it has been so long since i really laughed. i just looked it has actually been exactly a month ago today that we first met in person, it was june 9th which was a sunday night. interesting it has been that amount of time. i didnt actually realize it until i figured it out. like i said though he makes me happy, and feel really well taken care of, and loved. which are all things i havent felt in a while. and i remember little comments that he has said to me, like well if that happens we both have a problem (about childcare expenses going up for my kids) and well then i will have to pay to fix both of our cars (if we crashed into each other)(we were joking and heaven forbid on all of this, but you get my point) when something might happen he doesnt think of it as oh well this is her problem let her deal with it, it is this is our problem lets deal with it. which is an attitude that i havent heard in a really long time. okay i am going to try to get some sleep now. i hope i get a good nights sleep.

The Level Of My Stress

my stress level seems right now like it is the highest that it has been in a while. i dont honestly remember it being this high in a very long time, maybe, or if ever. to start with my dog which i was happy that i was going to be able to keep, because we were decided to look for apartments that could take him, decided to freak out again yesterday because their was a storm, and he proceeded to destroy his crate even more and and also ripped up the carpet too of the room that he was in. so that left me with the issue of do i buy him another crate, and hope that he doesnt do it again and then have to pay 300.00 deposit extra because i am bringing him to an apartment, or do i find him another home. so in the end i decided to find him another home, i had been talking to people several weeks ago from the ad that i had put in to the paper, and i had saved the numbers. so i called back one of them, and spoke with him and we arranged for me to go his house tomorrow afternoon with the dog, and that if all goes well to leave him with him. i had already told him about all of his issues so it isnt like i didnt tell him. i also recommended him getting him a crate so that he wouldnt get upset, i dont know if he took me seriously or not, but i did make it a point to repeat that several times. so anyway, that was one thing that happened today and that i was dealing with that has me really upset, and then the fact that my daughter was hysterical when she heard me talking on the phone about giving him away, she doesnt want me too, because she is really attached to him. but i just dont know, this seems like the right thing and the thing that i have to do right now. then of course the guy still doesnt know if he has the job or not in the city that is three hours away, so he is waiting until he is done with his shift at work on thursday to see if he finds out, and then by then if he still doesnt know then that is it, he is going to stay where he is (of course) and we are going to sign the lease at about 2:30pm on friday. me and him went out last night, first we went to my car finance company, and he paid off the rest of what was owed on my car which was about 2960.00, and they said that within 2 weeks the title should be there. so as long as the check clears which i would certainly hope that it would, in a few weeks i will have the title in my hand. so as of now my car is completely mine. yeah! of course the guy called his car insurance company today, and they gave me a rough estimate that it would be 75 more a month for him to put my car on his car insurance, instead of the 150 that i am paying now. but then he is saying that i would have to put his name on the title of my car too. which i am not that happy about. because of all that i have been through, of course i have issues with trusting people. so tomorrow he is supposed to be going with me to bring the dog to the guys house, and then while we are together, we are going to call his car insurance company back and make sure that we get the actual complete quote and confirm that his name would have to be added to my title and that it couldnt be left the way that it is. because i am really not that crazy about that idea. so there is more stress on me. then there is the fact that i am hiding all of this from "my husband" and that he has to have no hint of what is going on. and that we are hoping that on the saturday morning he is at work like he normally is, and then we have to try to hurry up and finish before he gets back home from work (because on saturdays he only works like 3-4 hours), and also we are hoping that none of the neighbors who are very nosy and his buddys, dont call him and he doesnt come home from work because of that. and then my parents are stressing me out because they are saying that i need to visualize what i need to bring and what i am not bringing, that way that we can get it done really quickly. so i am like, okay i want to basically bring everything, because i have been going through my house and throwing away things that i dont want or organizing them, so whatever is left now, is things that i want. so my mom kept going on and on and stressing me out even more. it is just so frustrating that i cant take my time and pack all of my things like a normal person or even have him know what is going on. instead of doing it this way behind his back. but i have to do it this way, because he is pyscho enough to do something to my car or my things when i am not paying attention if he knows. and especially being that my car is paid off for now, i am even more paranoid about it. and then there is the stress of not knowing where i am moving too, not having anything hooked up or disconnected, like cable, electric, water, etc, and also not having a truck reserved to move with or anything like that either. i am so stressed out it isnt even funny. no matter what my mom is saying that it is a possibility, i cant possibly see how she expects us to pack and get basically everything out of this house in about 3 hours or less. i really cant see how it can possibly happen, especially being that my mom was saying that they probably wouldnt be able to get here with the truck until 9am. so him starting work at 8am, and usually getting off of work at noon. so if they are saying that they wont get here until 9am and you figure we would need to be done at like 11:30am they only leaves us with 2 1/2 hours to get basically a whole house of things out. i dont see how it can be done. i really dont, there is a lot of things. yes i am going to be leaving somethings behind, like the bookcase, the desk, the bed in my room, the recliner, but then the other things are going. like both of the kids beds, 2 dressers, 2 nightstands, couch, kitchen table. i dont know, i am so stressed over all of this that it isnt even funny. and then there is the fact that i dont even know where i am going. i know i mentioned that at least two times before this one but it is really stressing me out, i hate not knowing things, and this is killing me. this is something major that i need to know. for example, if he is getting the job up there, i need to give my job notice, which i know right now will definetly not be a two weeks notice that is for sure. because there is only 6 more days until the 13th which is a friday, and that would be my last day of work. my brain is just everywhere right now, as i am sure that you can tell, i just cant think straight i am just so worried and stressed out about everything. one thing that my mom did say which was a good idea was that she gives me some boxes to put in my trunk the night before, and i leave them in my trunk, and then as soon as he leaves that morning, just start packing with those boxes and getting done whatever that i can do then. the boxes i can pack and have ready, as many of the boxes that i can have in my trunk i suppose, and then i can also do whatever else that i can do without the boxes or when i run out of them, like packing my car up with as much as i can in garbage bags. like clothes from my closet, and things like that. i guess that is the only thing that i can do, if he is going to catch us moving then he is going to catch us moving, no matter what i do or how quick that we are. i am just so nervous and stressed out about everything, and then i am also so depressed over this whole situation, and everything that is going on, and to a point i cant tell the guy anything about how i am feeling, or at least the whole amount of how i am feeling, the only thing that i will tell him is that i am a little stressed because i dont want him to see the extent of everything, and be questioning why i am depressed right now, instead of being really really happy that i am moving in with him. which i am happy that i am moving and that the kids are getting their own rooms, i just guess that i wish that things could be different, in a lot of respects. but they wont be, so there is no use in wishing i suppose.

No Resolution, And The Stress Of Still Not Knowing

so i was talking to the guy a lot last night both online and on the phone, and i mentioned again how not knowing what is going on or having any real definite plans is really stressing me out and upsetting me and so we discussed it. what he was saying was that if he got the job i would go up there with no job, and get a job while i was up there. and even if i had a hard time getting a job like the one that i have now with the same hours full time, that i could take a part time job for a few nights a week just to help out and pay my bills until i found something else. which that was similar to what we had discussed the other night so that wasnt really what was on my mind. what was really on my mind was he was saying that if he got the job there, that they would want him to start on the 1st. and that he should know by the lastest on like the 12th was his guess. so my issue was okay, we are planning on moving on the 13th/14th and if you get this job you wont start it on the 1st. where does that leave me on the 13th and 14th? with no where to stay if that was the plan? so he said that regardless of whether he got the job or not that we were going to move at that time. he was saying that he could go up there on the 13th (this is of course if he has the job) and get an apartment for us, then i would move by stuff up the next day on the 14th, which was the plan if we were going to be here first, and then i would be up there for about 2 weeks by myself with the kids until he started the job. which i guess is a plan, it is better then before, because at least now i feel more secure in knowing that there is something that would be done, and that at least there is a plan. i just want to know what is going on, i really hate just not knowing. he had said before that he was going to call them up tomorrow and explain that he was planning on moving and needed to know where he would be moving too. but he said that when he went to work today, that he had talked with a couple of people there, and that they had suggested that he wait until monday and that if he hadnt heard anything by then to call, and see what they had to say. and that even if they said that they were going to have to call him back, that at least by next thursday he would know. which is just so close for my comfort because on saturday we are supposed to be moving. and if we are staying here on friday he is supposed to be moving then the next day on the saturday i am supposed to be moving. so never mind reserving a truck and everything else. and also getting water set up, cable, electric all of that great stuff. this is so nerve racking to me. even though i know that there is a plan in place it is still nerve racking. and another thought is that if we are moving to the place that is three hours away, and he only finds out one or two days in advance of us actually leaving, then what about both of the kids dads? we know that my sons dad i am not going to tell anything in advance, and i am trying to make sure that he doesnt find out, not that i am completely comfortable with that, but i dont want him to lose it with me and start destroying my things or being revengeful spiteful or anything else like that. i would have maybe liked to have warned my daughters father ahead of time, but then again with his temper and the way that he acts sometimes maybe not letting him know anything in advance is a good thing too, now that i think about that. and then if he did get the job up there, and we did the plans like i stated above, then that means that i would only be giving my job a few days notice depending on when he found out versus the 13th which is a friday. because today is already the 4th, so there goes giving a 2 weeks notice and leaving on good terms anyway. i am trying not to stress out too much about it, because i am probably getting him stressed out about it too, but i am the type of person that likes to having everything all planned out and organized and this is definetly not that at all. this is everything up in the air, and unorganized, which just thinking about things being like that makes me upset. i was up until 2:30am this morning because after me and the guy had been talking online and on the phone for a few hours last night, somehow we got on the subject of me coming over his house, and of course his parents were still not there, they didnt actually get back until this morning. so anyway he was saying come over my house, so i said are you sure because i can come if you want. so in the end he said yes i really want you too, and i ended up going over his house for like 2 hours. it was nice, we didnt really do do do anything because i have the end of my period, yuck, but that does mean that i am not pregnant, which i am happy about because it just wouldnt have been good timing. so anyway, we fooled around a little bit, but it wasnt really fooling around, it was more like making love it was really good. i enjoyed it. he really did too. okay anyway, enough of that. i liked going to where he is staying now, which is his parents house, i saw his room that is there, which was interesting seeing it in person because i have always seen it through the webcam. so that was an experience. i really wanted to see it. something else worth mentioning is that on friday night (after we get off work because they are open until 8pm) he is supposed to be going with me to the finance company for my car, and he is supposed to be giving them a check of about 3,000 to pay off completely for my car. (i have already found out from the company how much is left that i owe them) he is doing this to free up some money for us so that would let me able to pay like 200 more in rent per month (which would let him pay 200 less on the rent per month), and then the other 100 that this would save me would give me and extra 75 per month to use and then 25 to save per month. him paying off for my car is such a good thing, and it will work out well for both of us. it will give us both extra money per month. i am getting really excited about it happening. even though i am getting really excited about it though i guess that i wont really completely and totally believe that it is happening until it actually does and i have the receipt that he just paid it off in my hand. even though he mentioned it to me again tonight, before he went to sleep at like 11:05pm or so, dont forget that we are going to your car place on friday to pay it off, i guess i just keep thinking that something is going to happen and that it isnt going to happen. i am trying not to think negatively because i know that being negative will get you nowhere. so i am trying my very hardest to be positive about everything including the car thing, and that it is going to happen, because he said that it would, and he hasnt gone back on anything that he has said the whole time that i have known him. and i am also trying not to worry about anything either, because worrying isnt going to change anything that is going to happen. a really nice comment that he made last night when we were together in his room was that this was nice, and that he couldnt wait until we were able to be together and just cuddle with each other and relax with each other like that every night. and then he also said that it would be nice not for him to worry about when the next time was going to be that he was going to see me, because we would be living together. those comments really made me feel good. okay well that is all the update for tonight because it is getting past midnight now and i have to get up early for work tomorrow.

Lesson Learned----Poison Control Hotline

last night (or should i say early this morning at 5:30am) i learned a very valuable lesson which i never would have thought of before. i learned that even though bottles of childrens medication have child proof locks they arent necessarily child proof, and also that even though you think that you have the bottles of medicine high enough that you think that your child cant reach them, never underestimate your child, they can reach them. if they are like my son they will take a chair, and stand on it while you are blissfully sleeping and not even knowing that anything is going on, and then they will clean out the whole medicine cabinet and bring all the medicine in their room. so anyway, the reason that i am saying all of this is because i woke up at 5:30am this morning to the sound of my daughter, who is going to be 7 years old, screaming that my son had medicine, so i woke up out of a sound sleep, ran into my kids room, to find my son on the floor with a pile of liquid medication around him, so i scolded him and started to clean it all up. then i saw an open empty bottle of ibuprofen, not a drop left in it, and the cap somewhere on the other side of the room. so i questioned my son and daughter, my daughter said that she didnt know if he drank it, because she was sleeping, and then my son who is 4 said that he had drank it, and drank the whole bottle. i didnt know the truth of this or not, because like i said he is only 4 years old, but i started to flip out anyway. so i booted my computer up as quickly as i could, and looked up the number to the poison control hotline. which every parent needs to have handy at all times, in a spot that you can locate for things that may happen like this. the number is 800-222-1222. so anyway i called them and i gave them all the information, like his weight, age, what the medicine was, what the dosage was, and how much the bottle holds. and they said that even if he had drank the whole bottle that he would still be okay, would just be drowsy and have a stomachache. they were so helpful and calm there, they really were very helpful, and the representative that i talked to was very nice too. again this is a number that every person, whether a parent or not, needs to have available, because as my son proved you just never know. for now, until we can figure something better out we are putting the medicine in the highest part of my bedroom closet, so that hopefully they cant reach them, and also that if they tried if we were sleeping we would hopefully hear them trying to do that. needless to say, my son is fine, he seemed like he got a little sleepy and went to sleep for a little bit, and that was it. so at least it was nothing more serious, but needless to say that was my heart attack for the day that he gave me i guess. and i hadnt actually went to sleep until 2:30am this morning, more about that later though in a different post.

I Am Trying So Hard

to stay sane and not lose it over everything that is going on. it just seems like it is all too much for me to manage, and i am having a really bad time dealing with all of it. i apologize if you have called me lately, especially today, and i havent called you back, but i am just so lost in my own issues and battling the depression that is coming on so strong, that i just dont want to talk to a lot of people. only a select few have gotten to talk to me lately. i just dont want to deal with it right now. i dont want to hear other peoples opinions, their sympathy, their questions, because they are just getting me even more upset, and stressed. i will be the first one to say that i am scared (among many other things right now). i am scared that i am making the wrong decision, i am scared that this will bite me in the butt later, and most importantly it is scaring the crap out of me to put my trust in another man, because other then my father, what man in my life hasnt ended up screwing me over or hurting me so badly in the end. (or both). none of them, they all have. the reason i am soooooo scared, to make a long story really short, is that me and the guy went to look at an apartment on saturday, and we liked it, so we applied for it to get it. it is a 3/2, which is so nice for my kids. so i found about two hours later that we had gotten it, and that it would be ready for us to move in on the 13th. and i told him about it, and we are planning on doing it. (this is assuming that he doesnt get the job that is like 3 hours away, but that is something else) so today being the 2nd is flipping me out enough because that is not that long from now, and then i have husband who has basically figured out that i want to leave, or that i am leaving him, and he is crying sobbing threatening me cursing at me, and anything that he can possibly think of to make me stay. so i have that deal with everyday after work. i am trying to so hard to get through all of this. i am so scared that i am going to get screwed over, that he is going to bail out at the last minute, or something like that. i dont know, i know that the whole thing is making me a wreck. i am the most stressed out then i can remember in a while. my husband got a job on friday and is now claiming that he has spoken with the landlord and that she said that the 300.00 that he is planning on giving her on saturday plus the other two payments that he is planning on giving her the rest of this month is fine, and not to worry about it. so it would appear that we arent going to get evicted, at least at this time anyway. so technically it would appear that i could stay here, at least for now, and the funny thing is that whenever i think of what he is saying about how he really loves me, and please dont leave him he will make it all better he will change, i just start crying. i guess i still have an amount of feelings for him, and that is why. but the way that things are, i would have to be insane to make the decision to stay with him when i have the opportunity to get out of this situation. not that i dont like this guy at all. i really do, he seems like a really nice guy. and i really like him, he treats me good. i guess i am just wary of him and trying to guard myself because i dont want to get hurt again. i did speak with him about my worries about him getting the job that is three hours away, because he still doesnt know about that, and that is another thing that is stressing me out too. so he said that if he did get it, that it wouldnt be a big issue for me and the kids to go up there with him without me having a job up there yet, and he said that he could cover the bills (mine and his) for me for a month which is the most that we are thinking it would take me to get a job up there. and then he also that with the way that things are (with him paying off for my car, more on that a minute) that if i wanted to i would only have to get a part time job, a few nights a week just to pay my bills and help with the groceries. so that was good too, that way i could be home with the kids during the day and not worry about child care fees too. so that gave me something to think about and got some stress off me. then the other thing i mentioned to him was if he did find out that he had gotten the job and had to move if we would still be able to move on the 13th, 14th which is the dates that are pretty much set here. and he said yes, that would definetly be the goal that he would aim for. so basically he would do the best of his ability to do that. he also said that he had cashed in an IRA and that he was planning on paying some of his bills off with it so that it would free up some of his money and he wouldnt be cutting it so close with paying everything. now the latest thing that he has been saying is that he wants to pay off for my car, on friday he said that he would have the money and the check and be able too. and that would free up my money so that i could help him more with the rent. and that would also give me some extra money too after that. because he would only ask for 200 more a month then he was before with the rent, and my car payment is 300 a month, so i would be left with a 100 extra per month that i would have. so now do you see what i mean? it is almost like he is too good to be true, saying all these things and it all sounding so good, and like it might really work, and that i might just might be really happy. it is like i am holding my breath, just waiting for something to happen or go wrong, or for him to do me wrong. i really have issues with trust. i really do, i will be the first one to admit that, and with everything that i have been through can you honestly blame me though? probably not, i am just so scared about it. and then in my head i am being so stupid. for example, i know that today he is with his mother because she is having a serious procedure done tomorrow, so i knew i wasnt really going to get to talk to him much today, and i know that he is going to be busy with that. so i shouldnt even be expecting him to call i guess, but he hasnt called, and i am thinking that something is wrong. it isnt like i havent heard from him at all today, he texted me this afternoon, i texted him back, then i called him, and he called me back a few minutes later. that was at about 6pm, and i havent heard from him since. and i know that i am probably being stupid, i just cant help it. i guess that i have been dumped and hurt so much that i am just thinking and scared that it is going to happen again. and i am so afraid of getting my hopes up and everytime that i start to get excited about thinking about any of it that i catch myself basically and then get scared all over again that i am looking forward to something that i could let down with and get hurt all over. it is like an endless cycle, the amount of stress and anxiety that i am under, is making my depression even worse, i cant focus on anything, i cant concentrate hardly at all, i am a mess. if i had the money and didnt have to save every nickel i would be back on my medicine, cause i know that especially right now i need it, but i just cant afford it. i am not on any medicine, not even birth control right now, not one medicine, because i just cant pay for it. by the way, i got my period on friday, so i am not pregnant. whhheeeewww. not that it would have been that huge of a bad thing, cause i know it would have been the guys not a question cause i havent been with anyone else, but the timing would just have been so not good. i am going to try to go now so that i can get some sleep. hopefully i actually get a good nights sleep. because i really need it.