Of Course.......

so okay, of course my boyfriend is a man, and i couldnt actually expect him to not have sex with me for more then a few days. he looked in the boxes that are remaining in our bedroom for the ky jelly, of course couldnt find it, but then he gave up on looking for it and decided to just go for it. so i let him, and of course it wasnt as comfortable at all as it would have been with the ky. so i bought it at the store, and gave it to him to put somewhere where it wouldnt be lost. the interesting thing is lately, i am not having orgasms at all with having sex with him, probably because of the limited positions that we can do it in, who knows. but he seems to want it more and more then usual. i dont know. and of course it isnt good for me like it is for him. at all. sigh. i hope that it is the position issue with us, and that is why i am not having orgasms, i hope that this isnt a problem different then that, because then once the baby is born we would still be having the same problem. well i guess that we will have to wait and see.

i had a consultation with the lawyers office that i was talking about in the previous blog, they got back to me the next morning, and we went and spoke with the lawyer in the afternoon. in short, the way that she is making it sound, is exactly what me and mike were saying before we spoke with her, which is that unless i get a lawyer the case is going to remain stuck in the same place that it is now. which is going nowhere. mostly because of frankies dad and his lack of doing absoluetely anything in the case. sigh. great, just great. so she said that it would be $1750 retainer fee for her. so she did say that she would accept a payment plan for the retainer fee, which is good, because there is no way i had that all at once. so i told her that me and my boyfriend would have to work that out, and that we would call her back in the morning with the plan of what we could do. so i called her back the next morning (friday) and told them that i could do $500 down and a $100 a month, so they said that they would draw up the papers for me. and that they would call me when they were ready. so i havent heard anything yet, but it has been the weekend, and tomorrow is a holiday. so hopefully tuesday i can sign everything, give them the down payment, and get this thing started. because i really need to. for a lot of different reasons. she also said that if things proceeded without complications and that frankies dad didnt fight, that she had done simple divorces where it was only $600 or $700 dollars, so hopefully that is the case, because that way whatever isnt used of the retainer is returned to the client. (i have to confirm that with her, but that is what the definition of retainer fee is). as it is, to pay the $100 a month to her as the retainer on the payment plan, it looks like i am going to have to not pay my credit card bills, and therefore default on all of them, so there goes the credit that i was trying to work towards getting better. but right now getting a lawyer to get this done is so much more important.

mike for some reason i have no idea why, brought up an interesting subject last night, he started it off with the sentence, that if and when we got married that we were going to need to save up some money before we did. so i said to him what do you mean if, and he said that he knew that i loved living with him, but that he wasnt sure if i ever wanted to get married to him. so i asked him if we never got married if it would really upset him, and he said that it really would. and that was about it for that subject. everytime i tried to bring up the subject after that, he would try to change the subject or fall asleep or say he was tired and it wasnt the time to discuss it. so i dont know what is up with him.

on another subject, i got good news a few days ago, my aunt and uncle, who have lived at least 4 hours away from me and also my mother of course for many years, probably from before i was a teenager, has been trying to sell her house for over a year. and she wasnt able to sell it, and her contract ended with her realtor, so she took it off the market, and i think that she basically resigned herself to the fact that she just wasnt going to move. which upset us, because we wanted her to move from where she was, because it will be better financially for her and my uncle but also because she wanted to move close to me and my mom too. well the good news that we just got was that she has a contract on her house to close in a month, turns out one of the realtors remembered that she was trying to sell her house, and had an interested client, and she called my aunt and asked if she still wanted to sell it, so my aunt said yes, the lady came and saw the house, and that was that. she got the contract on it to buy it. so my aunt was looking for a house to live, near my mom, and it turns out that she found a condo that she really likes which is 2.4 miles away from me, or something insane like that. the only thing is that she got it inspected and the inspector found a mold and mildew issue from a current leak that is in the bathroom, so my aunt of course told the realtor that she wanted it fixed by the owner or she wasnt going to take it. so she is waiting to see what the owner says, she said that it was owned by an estate, and being that they are paying every month on property tax and association fees, hopefully they will just fix it and she can buy it. we will see.

what final subject and then i swear that i will be done for the day......i have less then 5 weeks to go....i think that as of today i have 33 days until my due date according to the date given to me by the ultrasound. but what annoys me is when people come up to me and say ohhh wow look at you, when are you due, or something like that, and i tell them that i am due june 27th (using the same ultrasound date) and they say wow you are so big i thought that you were ready to pop anyday now. or the ever wonderful wow you are so big, is this normal for you? is this how you were the with the other kids too? i thought you were ready to give birth anyday. sigh. there has been times i have been so ready to say yes this is normal for me, it is because i was overweight when i got pregnant this time, and i wasnt the perfect size 6 or even size 10 at the time that i got pregnant. and i can probably guarantee you that i am not going to be a size 6 at any other points in my life, it will take lots and lots of exercise and dieting just for me to get to where i was before i got pregnant with frankie (the second pregnancy). so yeah i was overweight and most of it was probably in my stomach, which might be why i look so big right now, because i have the extra body fat plus the baby tummy. i dont mind people asking when i am due, but when i tell them please stop with the comments about me being big. geez.

the perfect man---warning

okay, so we have all established that the perfect man just doesnt exist. we all know this very well. but here is the question. what do you do when a man who seems to do good in most other departments just has a few other issues that dont work for you. i am not even going to go into the sex aspect of it right now, first i would like to say something else that really bothered me lately, you know aside from the fact that he was basically ignoring me whenever he was around. now dont get me wrong, i understand that he of course has to work to pay all our bills, that is fine, but when he is home a little bit of attention instead of absent minded uh-huhs would be nice. seemed the only time that wanted to touch me was if he wanted to have sex. (more about that in a little bit). then there is the fact that i had been asking him about going to a labor and delivery class with me, being that he has never been through it before, thinking that way he could know what to expect and also know what to do to help me. he took time off work for his nieces (goddaughters) confirmation dinner, and actual confirmation, and also said that he was going to try to take time off work for frankies graduation from preschool, which is nice....and good....but when it came to the labor and delivery classes, (which is only two nights total, and only for like three hours) he said that the way that things had been going with his work that he didnt want to take any more time off work. but yet he hasnt asked off yet for frankies graduation, and he himself voluntarily said that he would take that off work, he didnt even ask if he should go, or if i wanted him to go, or nothing like that. so what the hell. i guess that the classes that i wanted him to go to with me, just didnt rate? i really hope that when it comes down to it, and i am in labor that he is there for me. because i could just see him in a panic, not knowing what to do, and being all nervous and worried about it, because he isnt going to know what is normal or not normal, and then getting me upset because of the way that he is acting. and that is of course aside from the fact that he is supposed to be the one comforting me, not the other way around. and then there is of course the sex issue with him. i havent had an orgasm in i have no clue how long, because the one position that i can now have it in, and at the certain angle that seems to work for me, he whines that it is uncomfortable for him. so it has been a long time since i have had one because of him. i have recently took care of myself, because i was sick of waiting for him to give me something that just wasnt happening but that is enough about that. now dont think that just because i havent been having orgasms that we havent been having sex. oh no, he seems to be perfectly happy doing it the way that he wants to with me, which wont give me an orgasm because it doesnt hit the spot, and then of course there is the fact that it seems it takes him maybe 6 or a little bit more thrusts before he comes and is completely done. so he isnt even taking his time anymore, he is just doing that to finish himself off and feel good and that seems like it is all he is worried about. i put a stop to that though, at least for now, because it seemed that he was so not worried about how i felt about it that, he wouldnt even do much of anything to make me ready to start having sex with him, he just started to try to push it in regardless. and women, yes you know, that freaking hurts if you arent ready. so i told him that until he found the ky that we had a full bottle of, and it was used, that there was no sex for him. i think that it has been at least 2 days if not more since i told him that, and he hasnt found the bottle that i know of, nor has he tried anything either. but honestly, that doesnt really matter to me that much, because when we were doing it it wasnt good for me anyway, and i just didnt care about doing it, or want to a lot of times. i just wanted him to leave me alone. and he has been for the past few days. we will see how long this lasts. but back to my question------what do you do when the man you are with does pretty good with a lot of different things, but doesnt do good in other categories....like sex for example.....do you stay with him for everything good he does do, and just deal with the bad? do you do like some women do, and stay letting him take care of you, but get a man on the side to take care of you sexually? therefore basically cheating on him? a lot of women do that? what should you do? i have no doubts that i can find a man who i can have sex with, and just have him keep doing what he does for us. okay, so i would definetly wait until i wasnt pregnant anymore. but you get my point. i dont know, i just dont know.

the lawyers office did call me up today, late this afternoon, to let me know basically that the lawyer would take the case, and to tell me how much the consultation fee would be. so i tried to ask how much it would be for everything, and she said that i would have to discuss it with the lawyer, so i said fine, set me up for the consultation appointment. so she was trying to set me up for an appointment for the middle of next week, but we couldnt find a date that would go around both mine and the lawyers schedule, so she said that she would speak with the lawyer to see if they couldnt fit me in, and call me back. (this was at 3:30pm). she didnt call me back today. which i think is b.s. my boyfriend said that one of the girls that he works with gave him the number for a lawyer that she used, that was good and reasonable, so tomorrow i am probably going to call that one. because this one is giving me such a run around i feel. and it isnt like i am asking for something for nothing, i would be paying a lot of money for a lawyer i am sure. i spoke with my mom about what frankies dad was trying to do about sending him for a visit, and she completely agrees with me, not that i had any doubts that she would, but still. she feels that if he takes him, he will keep him, and said that i need to speak with the lawyer about it, and see what can be done, maybe have him bring in front of the judge know something saying that temporarily until the case is closed, that he is to remain in my care, and that any visitiation is my choice, and also that he is not to be removed from the state, or something like that, i dont know. lawyers are good at wording those things, but yeah, she also agrees with me about that being another reason that i really need a lawyer.

okay i think that is enough for tonight, i think that i vented and ranted for long enough.

Continued From Yesterday.....

the interesting thing is that my boyfriend is more interested in what is going on with the divorce then i think is normal. i would think that he would be a lot more interested in other things right now, but that is all that he has seemed to be interested in lately. i dont know why, the only thing that i can think of is because he just doesnt want me to be married to anyone else anymore, and then there is also probably the fact that i am not receiving any child support right now, because of course frankies dad wont send anything because he doesnt have an order saying that he has to right now. wonderful man right?

more on the divorce case thing, and how really really frustrated that i am with it:
i called the court regarding the last thing that i filed with them, and i was advised that they didnt see an answer to it, but that they were running late with everything and it was taking longer then usual. but it doesnt even matter, with the way that they have been doing everything that i have been filing, and denying them all, i am sure that they will deny this too. so i tried to call legal aid because someone suggested that i call them, and of course it was the same b.s. that i thought that it would be, with them saying that the only ways that they could help me was if i was the one served or if i was a victim of domestic violence, which i wasnt. and then what made it so much better was when they said that even if i was one of those things, they still wouldnt have been able to represent me, because the other party in the case had called them for help and they said that they couldnt help him, so therefore it would have been a conflict of interest. more b.s. so there went that idea so completely gone. then i tried to call a divorce lawyer to see how much they would charge to represent me, and get the case moving, and the secretary said that she would review it with the attorney and get back to me tomorrow. i hope that it isnt that expensive, and that they can just get it done from here. because i am so done with this whole thing. then i spoke with frankies dad tonight, which just annoyed and made me even more upset. as usual, he has that wonderful gift to do that to me. first he starts off by saying that frankie told him that he was told by my boyfriend that he could call him daddy, so he so completely flipped out about that. which made me really happy that i hadnt given him our actual home address, because that may have eventually let to problems. then he brought up the fact that all of the things that i have been filing with the courts have been being rejected, and that it wasnt going anywhere, so i quite nicely told him that if he responded that there wouldnt be any of these problems. which he said that he wouldnt do that right now, because he was afraid that if he did, we would get a court date immediately and then he wouldnt be able to fly up here that quickly. and then he tried something else with me. he asked me when frankie was done with school for the year and when he would be starting back up next year, so i told him, and he said that he wanted frankie to visit him for a few weeks in the summer. and i said that i didnt think that was a good idea, because i wanted the court case to be completed first, that way it was spelled out who had frankie when. and he didnt like that idea, said that probably when he came to bring frankie back then we could do everything with the courts, and he could respond. i just said that wasnt a good idea. i dont want frankie to see him without me having something from the courts in writing, saying who has frankie and when. because right now, no one has anything in writing, and i am soooo afraid that he would get frankie in the state other then this one that we live in, and then not give him back, and there wouldnt be much that i could say about it, because i have nothing saying that i am supposed to have him by the courts. and i am sure that he knows this too. so i really really hope that this lawyers office that i called today, does call me back tomorrow, and tells me that they will take the case, and also that it isnt going to be that much money, so that we could figure out a way to afford it. because honestly i really think that the only way that i am going to get anywhere with this now, because it is at a total standstill, is to hire an attorney and let them deal with it. it has been over four months and i have gotten absoluetly nowhere on my own. and the person that i spoke to at the lawyers office, looked at the case, and said that i had done absoluetely nothing wrong, and everything right. so i know that it isnt me, it is the court. geez. and now with frankies dad saying that he wants him to come out to visit after school is out, which is only in like two and a half weeks, that puts even more urgency into it for me, because i cant send him there without something in writing from the courts, i just cant. i am so scared that he would pull something and i would never see my son again. so again i really hope that the attorneys office i called today comes through for me, and we can get this going again. and then there is also the fact that i only have 38 days left until my due date, i really dont want to be called for court when i am in the hospital, or after i have just had the baby. so again, i really hope that this thing with the attorney works out tomorrow. the thing with the fifteen minutes for fifteen dollars with the attorney through the courts is nothing, it just seems that they give you legal advice, but that they dont do anything for you. and considering that according to the attorneys office i have been doing everything right, i dont think that there is anything different that they could tell me to do.

Update, Update, Updates

okay, so yeah i havent updated this in what seems like a really long time. okay so first of all, we moved into the house, even though it wasnt even close to being done at the time that we moved in, considering that it still didnt have any form of a kitchen at all. but we moved anyway, partly so that we wouldnt have to spend the extra money to stay where we were, and also because i dont care how good the neighborhood is, if someone gets the idea that you are fixing up the house and putting nice expensive things in it, and no one is there living it, something is bound to happen. well to this date, the house is definetly further along then it was when we first moved in, which was the end of april. it still needs something that is very important to a kitchen, which is a kitchen sink. so we cant cook in the house at all until the kitchen counters are put in, and then the sink gets put in at the same time. you apparently cant have a kitchen sink in without the counter, go figure. there are a lot of other things that are half done, including the doors on all the doorways which have been ordered and not received yet, all the painting downstairs, and a lot of other fixing mending and putting up things. which also have not been done. so needless to say all of that of course is frustrating me. and then there is the fact that my boyfriends dad comes over at least 3 full days a week (full meaning 9-5pm) to work on the house. and annoys me of course. because he interjects in me discipling the kids, which doesnt pertain to him, he is yelling at them to stay out of his way, which it is there house, sorry we have to live here while you are working. and then of course there is the fact that i have just been around his family too much lately, i see at least one of them way tooo much. and they get on my nerves a lot. because they are just too demanding and try to take over everything. which is nothing new, i have had that complaint about them for a long time.

then of course there is the fact that i filed for my divorce jan 11th, and am still not even close to being divorced. i have been given the run around so bad with the courts that it is horrible. they tell me to file one thing, i file that, they tell me to submit this, i submit it, then they send me a letter saying that request was rejected, then when i call them up asking why, they say that they dont know, they dont understand why it didnt get approved, and that was the next step of what i was supposed to do. so i am just getting so frustrated with it i dont know what to do, the only thing that i can think of is what was suggested to me by one person, which was to get one of the attorneys that they have there, for fifteen minutes is $15 to give me legal advice i guess, meaning telling me what to do. it is just so frustrating, he of course hasnt given me child support since we have been seperated this whole time, which is a year in the middle of july, and also in the month and a half now that he has moved to new jersey (a different state) he hasnt sent money at all for child support, being that frankie is living with me constantly and i am supporting him in every way. somehow of course this doesnt surprise me, but still i guess that i expect a little bit better from him, and somehow he always disappoints me. and then of course there is the fact that he hasnt talked to frankie in several days, all because he keeps calling frankie after he knows that it is his bedtime, which is at 8pm. last night he called at 8:30pm, and the night before he called at 9pm. hello? come on, what the hell is wrong with him? never mind i know what is wrong with him. doing too much you know what has rotted his brain. and the fact that i am still married to him annoys me as at is, then there is the fact that isnt required to pay child support right now because there is no order stating that, so hes not. augh. wonderful man right? i know how to pick them i guess.