Since none of my clothes will fit around my stomach (or are very uncomfortably tight) I knew that I was going to have to buy some clothes to wear, both for work and for weekends. So instead of going and buying more clothes that were a few sizes to big, and then having to buy more and more clothes after that the bigger that I got, I bought (or had my boyfriend buy being that I couldn’t afford it at the moment) about 5 outfits of maternity clothes, and they are awesome. Nice and big and roomy, and comfortable. I love them, I really do. The only thing that has been upsetting me, is especially at work people have been coming up to me and going your pregnant aren’t you, saying this because I am wearing maternity clothes, and I have a stomach. So I say yes, and then they say how far along are you? And either they try to guess, and say about at least 3-5 months I have been getting, or they are shocked when I tell them that I am about 5 weeks at this time. What can I say? I was overweight when I got pregnant I am not going to lie, but come on, their responses annoy me. What should I say, nah I was just fat when I got pregnant, so that is what I look bigger then most people that are as far along as me. I am not other people. So that is one thing.
The next thing is that my sons father who I am still technically legally married too, figured out this morning that I am pregnant, mainly because I was wearing maternity clothes, cause other then that I don’t think that he is that smart to figure it out. Amazingly enough he wasn’t as pissed off as I thought that he would be, I honestly thought that he would be screaming and cussing at me but he really didn’t, he said that he wanted a divorce. No duh. So I told him to file it whenever he wanted to, yeah right, I doubt if he ever would. And he also something about poor guy, meaning my boyfriend, and that now I have three kids with three different fathers. Which I guess he was trying to hurt me, I don’t know.
Then my boyfriend said today, which he has been saying for a while, that when we file for divorce which is supposedly going to the end of December if everything goes okay, that I should file for full custody on the grounds that his dad cant keep a job for more then two weeks at a time. But if that was true at the time, and still held true from what is going on now, then I would be in for a big custody battle and that would stall the divorce, because he wouldn’t just agree to that without a fight. So I really don’t think that I want to do that. I just don’t know.
Then I have been so tired at work lately, that it is all that I can do to keep my eyes open, never mind focus on my work. And sure enough today a mistake that I had made that was caught, I processed a payment for about 400 dollars more then it should have been. And it was definitely my error, no question about that. not that it wasn’t anything that couldn’t be fixed, but still I have to be careful, or my job isn’t going to be too happy with me. Especially being that I can hardly focus on my work, I cant make mistakes like this, or I am sure that it will only be a matter of
time, which is making me nervous. And also the fact that I was informed, if I have another time from probably about now til December that I am in late to work, or have to call in without having it approvedfirst, then I am going to be written up, which will go in my file, and is basically the first step to being fired. It is also comes in their attention and counts against me during review time.
Then I have been worried that something is going to happen to the baby. And I love it and want it so much. And from the way that my boyfriend has been talking and acting, he does too. So that is something else that has been on my mind. This weekend I was wanting to go to the mall, too look for more maternity clothes, because other then the five outfits that were just bought, and one other outfit that I put together with a shirt that I bought, and a pair of pants that I had, and a couple of other things that are really too big for me right now, that is all that I have.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Men...Men...Men
They can be such wonderful beings at time and make you so happy and content and then other times you just want to oooohhhhh. I swear. So to start it off with I had to go back to the doctors office on Tuesday afternoon because I was having the symptoms of a yeast infection, which I just had one last month too. So I called them to ask them because I am pregnant if I can use the same over the counter treatment that I always
do, and they said no to come in so that the doctor could see me. So I went there and saw the doctor and he said that he wasn’t sure what to give me during the first trimester, and he went and consulted with 2 midwives and I think he said two other doctors and he told me to use the exact same thing that I always use. (and this was before I had told him that is what I always use). He also basically said that because I am normally prone to them and I am pregnant now, that I am going to be even more prone to them. He also only had one suggestion for me to prevent them which was not to sit in a wet bathing suit which I don’t do anyway and I told him that, and the other suggestion was to maybe try yogurt. And that was it. So that wasn’t that many suggestions. During the exam I think that he was trying to be funny, even though he didn’t actually smile while saying it, and he said (after I told him that one of the reasons I thought I had a yeast infection was because during and after sex it burned) so he said why was I having sex now anyway, we already accomplished our goal and got me pregnant, to which I of course responded cause I enjoy it and I also made a comment about having two other kids. And then he saw the book that I was reading and said if you have two other kids already why are you reading a book on pregnancy. So yeah, I guess he was trying to be funny, but he said it with such a straight face that it really leaves you wondering if he was joking or not. So from that night (Tuesday) to tonight being that last night now, I have had to use the wonderful feeling yeast infection treatment, I am so happy that
tonight will be the last night for that. Ugh.
So okay, on the boyfriend subject, who is what the subject line is about. The first thing that he did that perturbed me was something that we were discussing. I asked him if we weren’t getting married, and hadn’t had that discussion and weren’t married
before the baby was born if he would have wanted the baby to have his last name, and he said that yes he did. Which was fine, I had thought about that previously anyway, and I would have given the baby his last name without any issues. Then I mentioned to him what I am planning which is once I file for divorce going to back to my maiden name (the last name that I had from birth). And I asked him if he would mind if when we got married I kept that last name and didn’t take his. You would think that I had shot a puppy from the look on his face, he even started to almost cry,
his eyes filled up. I even mentioned that I would have kept the middle and then hyphenated it with his name, but then it would have been so long. So he made a
really bad comment which made him sound like a complete you know what which was that once I was able to bring in a six figure income that I could keep my own name. which was such a wrong comment. Then on Wednesday night I went to sleep at 9:15pm because was so tired, and he called me while I was sleeping at like 10pm, so I tried to ignore my phone ringing, but he called me three more times after the first time until I finally answered the phone only to ask me a question that could have waited until the morning. So that annoyed me, even though later he said that if he had known that he wouldn’t have called me but he didn’t think that I would be sleeping that early. Then last night he said that he had off this Sunday which is a very rare occurrence for him, unless he requested it ahead of time, it is very rare for him to get the actual day off, so he was asking for us to go to his church. Now I am not the most church going person at all, very far from it, so asking this of me at all is something, never mind the fact that he had already asked me to come with him for thanksgiving day mass, and really wanted me to go for that, and I was actually considering going for that, so now this I don’t know. I am not sure if I want to go, and also then if I don’t go, then I know that it will cause him to be unhappy I am sure. I don’t know, I personally don’t know whether I want to go or not. At least if I do go, I know that I will just have my daughter and not my son and my daughter, because Sundays are his fathers day to have him. I don’t know. so that is something else on my mind.
do, and they said no to come in so that the doctor could see me. So I went there and saw the doctor and he said that he wasn’t sure what to give me during the first trimester, and he went and consulted with 2 midwives and I think he said two other doctors and he told me to use the exact same thing that I always use. (and this was before I had told him that is what I always use). He also basically said that because I am normally prone to them and I am pregnant now, that I am going to be even more prone to them. He also only had one suggestion for me to prevent them which was not to sit in a wet bathing suit which I don’t do anyway and I told him that, and the other suggestion was to maybe try yogurt. And that was it. So that wasn’t that many suggestions. During the exam I think that he was trying to be funny, even though he didn’t actually smile while saying it, and he said (after I told him that one of the reasons I thought I had a yeast infection was because during and after sex it burned) so he said why was I having sex now anyway, we already accomplished our goal and got me pregnant, to which I of course responded cause I enjoy it and I also made a comment about having two other kids. And then he saw the book that I was reading and said if you have two other kids already why are you reading a book on pregnancy. So yeah, I guess he was trying to be funny, but he said it with such a straight face that it really leaves you wondering if he was joking or not. So from that night (Tuesday) to tonight being that last night now, I have had to use the wonderful feeling yeast infection treatment, I am so happy that
tonight will be the last night for that. Ugh.
So okay, on the boyfriend subject, who is what the subject line is about. The first thing that he did that perturbed me was something that we were discussing. I asked him if we weren’t getting married, and hadn’t had that discussion and weren’t married
before the baby was born if he would have wanted the baby to have his last name, and he said that yes he did. Which was fine, I had thought about that previously anyway, and I would have given the baby his last name without any issues. Then I mentioned to him what I am planning which is once I file for divorce going to back to my maiden name (the last name that I had from birth). And I asked him if he would mind if when we got married I kept that last name and didn’t take his. You would think that I had shot a puppy from the look on his face, he even started to almost cry,
his eyes filled up. I even mentioned that I would have kept the middle and then hyphenated it with his name, but then it would have been so long. So he made a
really bad comment which made him sound like a complete you know what which was that once I was able to bring in a six figure income that I could keep my own name. which was such a wrong comment. Then on Wednesday night I went to sleep at 9:15pm because was so tired, and he called me while I was sleeping at like 10pm, so I tried to ignore my phone ringing, but he called me three more times after the first time until I finally answered the phone only to ask me a question that could have waited until the morning. So that annoyed me, even though later he said that if he had known that he wouldn’t have called me but he didn’t think that I would be sleeping that early. Then last night he said that he had off this Sunday which is a very rare occurrence for him, unless he requested it ahead of time, it is very rare for him to get the actual day off, so he was asking for us to go to his church. Now I am not the most church going person at all, very far from it, so asking this of me at all is something, never mind the fact that he had already asked me to come with him for thanksgiving day mass, and really wanted me to go for that, and I was actually considering going for that, so now this I don’t know. I am not sure if I want to go, and also then if I don’t go, then I know that it will cause him to be unhappy I am sure. I don’t know, I personally don’t know whether I want to go or not. At least if I do go, I know that I will just have my daughter and not my son and my daughter, because Sundays are his fathers day to have him. I don’t know. so that is something else on my mind.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Hormonal and pregnant
well, as we have already established i am pregnant. and with being pregnant comes hormones, and if i remember correctly major hormonal changes. well that seems to be true today because wow have i had some mood swings. i couldnt fit my waist into some of my clothes, okay almost all of my clothes today, so that got me unhappy. then my daughter was annoying me today so that made me annoyed with her for a lot of the day, because she just wasnt lisitening and had such an attitude. and then one my friends called me and we talked and were laughing and that was good. then i cooked dinner for about 45 mintes, my boyfriend came home from work at 7:30pm (i hadnt seen him since about 8:30am this morning) and we ate the dinner that i had made, he didnt even get to finish his food when his mom called and said that she had to bring his dad to the hospital becuase he was having chest pains, and could he drive them to the hospital. so he of course said yes, and they came and picked him up to take them there, because they go to a special hospital that is like a 1/2 hour from here. so he was home for maybe a half hour and then left, and i know that he wont be back for a long time. so i started to cry after he left, i just felt so alone, it seemed like he was never around, and that i was pregnant without him being there for me. not that i would love this baby any differently even if i was completely alone, but still i felt so without him. he is fine with the financial aspects of things and figuring them out, but when it comes to the emotional support, forget it, it is like pulling teeth to get a emotional reaction out of him, unless it gets to be too much for him, and then he starts to cry and wont tell you why still. so that was my range of emotions today. oh, and last night i agreed to marry him when he came home from work. i had thought about it more and more last night after i wrote this, and i asked him if it meant a lot to him if we got married before the baby was born, and he said that it did, but that he hadnt pushed the subject because he didnt want any conflict between us. so anyway, with all the thinking that i had been doing, about having limited to access to things that are his, and about the fact that even before i had found out that i was pregnant we had been talking about getting married at some point in the future, so why not do it sooner rather then later? so i told him that i would marry him, at some point between the time that my divorce is final and the baby is due, and he was happy, or seemed happy with that, it is so hard to tell with him because he doesnt really show his emotions. i am going to end this now though, cause i am getting tired, and i have to wake up early for work tomorrow.
Attempt On The Pictures Posting
The pregnancy tests:
(one that i purchased and took early in the morning, and one from the doctors office):
The pictures of the new car:
Pictures from my dads birthday:
(on Oct. 14th)
A closer picture (it was edited) of my boyfriend and I:
And finally a picture of my doggie:
(one that i purchased and took early in the morning, and one from the doctors office):
The pictures of the new car:
Pictures from my dads birthday:
(on Oct. 14th)
A closer picture (it was edited) of my boyfriend and I:
And finally a picture of my doggie:
Saturday, October 20, 2007
My Big News
well all i can say about the last post is i am soooo happy that i didnt cheat on him, and do that, and that my conscience wouldnt let me do it, because i just couldnt do that to him. cause guess what?
i am pregnant!!!!!!
i found out on thursday (of this week) that i am about 4 weeks pregnant, i actually found out before i was supposed to have my period. i had been really really hungry constantly, and my boobs really really hurt. so i took a first response test that i had in the house (long story, not now) and it came up with the line after about a minute that said that i was pregnant, granted the line wasnt really dark but it was there. so i told my boyfriend, who was happy and excited about it, and then i called in to work and said i wasnt going to be in the morning, and went to my obgyn. so i had another test there, and again it took it a minute or two to come up, but then it came up a little light but it was there. and the doctor examined and felt me and said that i seemed about four weeks, which went with the last date of my period. so i am pregnant!!!!!! with baby number 3. i am of course a little nervous now about the risk of miscarriage, as every woman is, because you just never know. i want this baby so bad, and i am so happy, i really hope that nothing happens. my parents seem happy about it, it took them a minute or two of shock but then they are happy for me, as long as i am happy. and there was even mention today of babysitting a few days a week, nothing definite but definetly a positive discussion about it which is good. his parents on the other hand, i dont know if they are happy for him or happy about it or not, all i know is that i have just been hearing him saying something about them saying that it happened in the wrong order, and your supposed to be married first. his sister had one and wasnt married, and besides what is the big deal, as long as you are together and care about each other and the baby (which we do), and take good care of the baby, then what does it matter. but i guess they are annoying him about it, which isnt good. and then he is also looking at the financial and money aspect of this, and trying to figure out the best way for the money to work. so not that he isnt happy (he still says that he is), he is just stressing out too. then i have my issues with being afraid that he is going to leave me and the baby, and that i am going to have to do it all by myself. not that i wouldnt, i have done it before with my two kids, i could do it again with three, and would and dp love this baby and take care of it just like the others, but still, it gets me upset just thinking about it. maybe what it is is because i have been left before, and maybe in a back part of my mind i am not married and pregnant and havent done that before. i have always been married. and i guess that in my mind it is easier to walk away when you arent married versus when you are. not really though, i dont know. i am just not used to being "single" and not married to the father of the baby i am carried. first i need get divorced, which the way that we are planning it we should have the money the end of december to file. so i have to get divorced before i can marry someone else of course, but once that happens, i dont know, do i want to get married now just because i am pregnant? i wasnt planning on marrying him now thats fore sure, i was scared of marriage, still am, and wasnt thinking about doing it anytime in the future to him. but then again if i really love him, and was thinking about doing it anyway, why not do it now. i dont know, it is so confusing to me. i am happy that i am pregnant, and excited about having a baby, and that is what i am trying so hard to only focus on right now.
well i was going to put up the picture of the pregnancy tests that i had taken with the results showing on the screen :) but it isnt letting me it is giving me an error message. so i will have to do it another day. i was also going to put up the pictures of my new car that i got, but that will have to wait too. until another day.
i am pregnant!!!!!!
i found out on thursday (of this week) that i am about 4 weeks pregnant, i actually found out before i was supposed to have my period. i had been really really hungry constantly, and my boobs really really hurt. so i took a first response test that i had in the house (long story, not now) and it came up with the line after about a minute that said that i was pregnant, granted the line wasnt really dark but it was there. so i told my boyfriend, who was happy and excited about it, and then i called in to work and said i wasnt going to be in the morning, and went to my obgyn. so i had another test there, and again it took it a minute or two to come up, but then it came up a little light but it was there. and the doctor examined and felt me and said that i seemed about four weeks, which went with the last date of my period. so i am pregnant!!!!!! with baby number 3. i am of course a little nervous now about the risk of miscarriage, as every woman is, because you just never know. i want this baby so bad, and i am so happy, i really hope that nothing happens. my parents seem happy about it, it took them a minute or two of shock but then they are happy for me, as long as i am happy. and there was even mention today of babysitting a few days a week, nothing definite but definetly a positive discussion about it which is good. his parents on the other hand, i dont know if they are happy for him or happy about it or not, all i know is that i have just been hearing him saying something about them saying that it happened in the wrong order, and your supposed to be married first. his sister had one and wasnt married, and besides what is the big deal, as long as you are together and care about each other and the baby (which we do), and take good care of the baby, then what does it matter. but i guess they are annoying him about it, which isnt good. and then he is also looking at the financial and money aspect of this, and trying to figure out the best way for the money to work. so not that he isnt happy (he still says that he is), he is just stressing out too. then i have my issues with being afraid that he is going to leave me and the baby, and that i am going to have to do it all by myself. not that i wouldnt, i have done it before with my two kids, i could do it again with three, and would and dp love this baby and take care of it just like the others, but still, it gets me upset just thinking about it. maybe what it is is because i have been left before, and maybe in a back part of my mind i am not married and pregnant and havent done that before. i have always been married. and i guess that in my mind it is easier to walk away when you arent married versus when you are. not really though, i dont know. i am just not used to being "single" and not married to the father of the baby i am carried. first i need get divorced, which the way that we are planning it we should have the money the end of december to file. so i have to get divorced before i can marry someone else of course, but once that happens, i dont know, do i want to get married now just because i am pregnant? i wasnt planning on marrying him now thats fore sure, i was scared of marriage, still am, and wasnt thinking about doing it anytime in the future to him. but then again if i really love him, and was thinking about doing it anyway, why not do it now. i dont know, it is so confusing to me. i am happy that i am pregnant, and excited about having a baby, and that is what i am trying so hard to only focus on right now.
well i was going to put up the picture of the pregnancy tests that i had taken with the results showing on the screen :) but it isnt letting me it is giving me an error message. so i will have to do it another day. i was also going to put up the pictures of my new car that i got, but that will have to wait too. until another day.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
The Cheating Blog
here is a quote that i came across that i thought was interesting first:
"Women are more likely to cheat than men, finds
report."
Women are more likely to cheat on their men to gain
sexual satisfaction because of their growing
assertiveness and their equality in the workplace, say
marriage counselors. Cheating husbands, in contrast,
are increasingly looking for emotional fulfillment and
may actually mean it when they tell their secretaries
that their wives don't understand them.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, a New York marriage counselor,
said, "We're seeing the pendulum swing. Men used to
behave like jocks -- macho men who were only
interested in sex -- but now women are behaving the
same way."
and some other interesting information that i came across when all i typed into ask jeeves is why do women cheat on their husbands.....i found at least one website, i am sure that there are more though, that offers basically a service for married people who want more then just their spouse and are looking for a hookup too, and i also found some more interesting percentages which basically said that 14-40% of all married women have cheated at what time or another. those are amazing percentages to me, i cant believe the amounts of people that are cheating, and women too, generally it is men that you hear that are cheating. for example i know of two girls that i work with, who several years ago their husbands have cheated on them and actually gotten the girls that they cheated on their wives with pregnant, and then the women had the babies. i dont know which is more disturbing the fact that the guys cheated, didnt use protection, or also the fact that the girls got pregnant and then decided to keep the babies and have the guys be involved in their lives, i mean hello do you have any shame? and then the other interesting things are that one of the two girls that i know from work, she caught her husband cheating again and she is still with him. i wonder what makes people stay after they catch the other person cheating over and over again? and the other interesting thing is that the excuses that the men gave that were caught cheating or admitted that they were cheating was that they werent getting any love from their wives, they werent spending time with them, or acting like they cared about them, or having sex with them. so that seems to be trend of the reason why people these days are cheating. i asked my boyfriend if he had ever cheated on anyone that he was with, and he of course said no, which doesnt mean anything, even if you had, would you honestly admit to the person that you are with right now? probably not, because that is really something that you want to admit, and then the other person would be paranoid that you would do it again. so anyway, he said that he never had and never would, and then of course he looked at me like i was crazy for even asking that, and wondered how that subject had come up with me i suppose. but anyway.
i am not saying that i havent considered doing it, i am not even going to say that i havent thought about it lately. i had a dream a couple of days ago about having sex with my son's father, who when you get down to it is my technical husband. and it was good and seemed that it was everything that i wanted. because when you get down to it, my boyfriend isnt the greatest in bed that i have ever had, which really sucks for me. he doesnt last very long at all, generally 3-5 minutes a shot. so it makes it really difficult for me to have a "o" because i dont very long to have it in. and i cant "o" from just foreplay alone so it is really really really frustrating for me. for example yesterday morning me and my boyfriend had sex and he lasted a little longer then usual, and he did a lot of foreplay before hand, and even though he had still came really quick, he was still able to keep it going after that for a little bit so that i could get mine. and it didnt take me long too because there was a lot of foreplay and i was so turned on ahead of time. so that was a good experience, the first one that i had with him in a little while. but then to ruin things last night we got kind of hot and heavy, more with me messing with him and him being not very hands on with me, and it was new and exciting because it was somewhere other then the bed, but then we moved to the bed, and it was the same thing again, and he came really quick, and left me in the cold, and was done, so that really sucked for me. i was so disturbed that i had to pull something out of the closet to take care of myself, and i did it without him knowing because i really didnt want to draw attention to that fact. and then the other issue that i was having with him was that he didnt seem that interested in having it as much as i was, he was also saying that he was tired had to get up early for work the next day or blah blah. and it was even like i was asking for it a huge amount of time, just maybe 3-4 times a week would have been good with me. but i wasnt getting it that much, not even close. i did talk to him about all of this that i am naming and even though i have to say that quantity has been getting better, the quality still isnt making that much of a difference, it is like once he enters me it is very short lived, and i have never had to deal with that like this, and it is bothering me. so now that i have described my issues that i have been having with him and having sex, is it any wonder that i had a dream like i had? of course not. i actually talked to my sons father who was who the dream was about, i guess i was trying to feel him out about the whole thing and see if he would be interested in having sex with me still, and he of course was, and wanted too. he even understood that he would have to wear a condom in order to do that, and he was okay with that too. but i just didnt want to do that, i mean dont get me wrong one part of me really wanted too, still does, but the other part of me who sees how my boyfriend takes care of me and the kids doesnt want to do that too him. for example, yesterday he just said that he was going to be taking my car to the mechanic to get the oil changed, which would be like 25.00 and he gave me his car to take to work, i come back home from work, and see that he has vacuumed my car, scrubbed it with chemicals, bought me new floor mats, changed my wiper blades, and my air filter, and also that he had them look at my a/c and refill it with freon so that it would work better. so its like even though he has his bad points he has his really good points too.
so in short i know at least one main reason that makes women cheat on their man, husband, boyfriend, whatever they are. and that is sex, needing good sex, just wanting to have a good you know what, cause you are just not getting it at home. and then the fact that you know someone who is able to give it to you better then you are getting, is available and more then willing to do that for you. so that is a huge tempation. i am trying to seriously cope with that temptation, because even though one part of me wants to seriously just do it, and feel so much better afterward, the other part of me knows that it would be wrong and that i would have such serious regrets and guilt afterward because of how well that he treats me. so i am trying to seriously handle this temptation and not give into it.
"Women are more likely to cheat than men, finds
report."
Women are more likely to cheat on their men to gain
sexual satisfaction because of their growing
assertiveness and their equality in the workplace, say
marriage counselors. Cheating husbands, in contrast,
are increasingly looking for emotional fulfillment and
may actually mean it when they tell their secretaries
that their wives don't understand them.
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, a New York marriage counselor,
said, "We're seeing the pendulum swing. Men used to
behave like jocks -- macho men who were only
interested in sex -- but now women are behaving the
same way."
and some other interesting information that i came across when all i typed into ask jeeves is why do women cheat on their husbands.....i found at least one website, i am sure that there are more though, that offers basically a service for married people who want more then just their spouse and are looking for a hookup too, and i also found some more interesting percentages which basically said that 14-40% of all married women have cheated at what time or another. those are amazing percentages to me, i cant believe the amounts of people that are cheating, and women too, generally it is men that you hear that are cheating. for example i know of two girls that i work with, who several years ago their husbands have cheated on them and actually gotten the girls that they cheated on their wives with pregnant, and then the women had the babies. i dont know which is more disturbing the fact that the guys cheated, didnt use protection, or also the fact that the girls got pregnant and then decided to keep the babies and have the guys be involved in their lives, i mean hello do you have any shame? and then the other interesting things are that one of the two girls that i know from work, she caught her husband cheating again and she is still with him. i wonder what makes people stay after they catch the other person cheating over and over again? and the other interesting thing is that the excuses that the men gave that were caught cheating or admitted that they were cheating was that they werent getting any love from their wives, they werent spending time with them, or acting like they cared about them, or having sex with them. so that seems to be trend of the reason why people these days are cheating. i asked my boyfriend if he had ever cheated on anyone that he was with, and he of course said no, which doesnt mean anything, even if you had, would you honestly admit to the person that you are with right now? probably not, because that is really something that you want to admit, and then the other person would be paranoid that you would do it again. so anyway, he said that he never had and never would, and then of course he looked at me like i was crazy for even asking that, and wondered how that subject had come up with me i suppose. but anyway.
i am not saying that i havent considered doing it, i am not even going to say that i havent thought about it lately. i had a dream a couple of days ago about having sex with my son's father, who when you get down to it is my technical husband. and it was good and seemed that it was everything that i wanted. because when you get down to it, my boyfriend isnt the greatest in bed that i have ever had, which really sucks for me. he doesnt last very long at all, generally 3-5 minutes a shot. so it makes it really difficult for me to have a "o" because i dont very long to have it in. and i cant "o" from just foreplay alone so it is really really really frustrating for me. for example yesterday morning me and my boyfriend had sex and he lasted a little longer then usual, and he did a lot of foreplay before hand, and even though he had still came really quick, he was still able to keep it going after that for a little bit so that i could get mine. and it didnt take me long too because there was a lot of foreplay and i was so turned on ahead of time. so that was a good experience, the first one that i had with him in a little while. but then to ruin things last night we got kind of hot and heavy, more with me messing with him and him being not very hands on with me, and it was new and exciting because it was somewhere other then the bed, but then we moved to the bed, and it was the same thing again, and he came really quick, and left me in the cold, and was done, so that really sucked for me. i was so disturbed that i had to pull something out of the closet to take care of myself, and i did it without him knowing because i really didnt want to draw attention to that fact. and then the other issue that i was having with him was that he didnt seem that interested in having it as much as i was, he was also saying that he was tired had to get up early for work the next day or blah blah. and it was even like i was asking for it a huge amount of time, just maybe 3-4 times a week would have been good with me. but i wasnt getting it that much, not even close. i did talk to him about all of this that i am naming and even though i have to say that quantity has been getting better, the quality still isnt making that much of a difference, it is like once he enters me it is very short lived, and i have never had to deal with that like this, and it is bothering me. so now that i have described my issues that i have been having with him and having sex, is it any wonder that i had a dream like i had? of course not. i actually talked to my sons father who was who the dream was about, i guess i was trying to feel him out about the whole thing and see if he would be interested in having sex with me still, and he of course was, and wanted too. he even understood that he would have to wear a condom in order to do that, and he was okay with that too. but i just didnt want to do that, i mean dont get me wrong one part of me really wanted too, still does, but the other part of me who sees how my boyfriend takes care of me and the kids doesnt want to do that too him. for example, yesterday he just said that he was going to be taking my car to the mechanic to get the oil changed, which would be like 25.00 and he gave me his car to take to work, i come back home from work, and see that he has vacuumed my car, scrubbed it with chemicals, bought me new floor mats, changed my wiper blades, and my air filter, and also that he had them look at my a/c and refill it with freon so that it would work better. so its like even though he has his bad points he has his really good points too.
so in short i know at least one main reason that makes women cheat on their man, husband, boyfriend, whatever they are. and that is sex, needing good sex, just wanting to have a good you know what, cause you are just not getting it at home. and then the fact that you know someone who is able to give it to you better then you are getting, is available and more then willing to do that for you. so that is a huge tempation. i am trying to seriously cope with that temptation, because even though one part of me wants to seriously just do it, and feel so much better afterward, the other part of me knows that it would be wrong and that i would have such serious regrets and guilt afterward because of how well that he treats me. so i am trying to seriously handle this temptation and not give into it.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Thursday, October 04, 2007
My Religion Blog (Rant)
I know that it has been a while since I blogged, but I wanted to post this on here to let you know one of the things that I have been thinking and that has been going on lately:
The below are quotes from either wikipedia.com or from about.com:
“A religion is a set of common beliefs and practices generally held by a group of people, often codified as prayer, ritual, and religious law.”
“The Lutheran Church is the Protestant denomination which led the way in the development of the Protestant Reformation. The doctrines of the Lutheran churchesare derived directly from the teachings of Martin Luther, the originator of the Protestant Reformation.”
“The Roman Catholic Church traces its history to Jesus and the Twelve Apostles, and sees the bishops of the Church as the successors of the Apostles in general, and the Pope as the successor of Saint Peter, leader of the Apostles, in particular.[19] The first known use of the term "Catholic Church" was in a letter by Ignatius of Antioch in 107, who wrote: "Where the bishop appears, there let the people be, just as where Jesus Christ is, there is the Catholic Church."[20”
To some people religion means everything to them, itis what they live and breathe everyday, and it means the world to them. Like my mother for example, who has to go to church every Sunday, even if she is so sick that she can barely move she will still do her best to go, even if it means making someone drive her because she is unable to drive herself. The only times that I have ever seen her not go to church was when she was in the hospital for various reasons, and man did it bug her that he couldn’t go. My mother is a Roman Catholic and has been since she was born. She is such a strict Catholic that if she is on vacation in a city that she has not ever been too, and it happens to be a Sunday you automatically know that you have to find
her a church to go to for when it is Sunday morning. So that is how I was brought up, even though my dad isn’t a very religious person at all, like I think the only time that he has ever set foot in a church was for a wedding or my two childrens baptisms, my mom took me to church with her every Sunday, whether I liked it or not. Which for most of my childhood it was just something that I did, and I believed in it
because my mom did. And that was that, I was even an altar server for a few years, don’t remember exactly how long, but I did it for a while. So I was brought
up catholic. I did baptize my children as they were born, and had no issues with that, they were baptized in the same catholic church that I was. And I do believe in a lot of things still that I was brought up believing, but some things I do not follow. Then when everything happened to me at once about two years ago with the hurricane, my home, my boyfriend, and losing everything, not that I quit believing but I guess just that something got lost, and it wasn’t the same. Not that I had really went to church a lot then, but I did more then I do now that’s for sure. To give you an idea of how often I go to church, the last time that I had went was in April (before this moment) and I didn’t even get to go inside the actual church because it was easter Sunday and it was very crowded so I couldn’t get an actual seat inside the church. And before that it had also been a really long time, maybe a year if not two years. So that should give you an idea of how often I go to church, and if I do go at all of course it would be a catholic church because that is how I was raised and where the basis of my beliefs are. but here is where the issue comes in and the reason that I am blogging this now. My boyfriend isnt a hugely devoutly religious person, I don’t think, because he doesn’t hardly go to church, for the past two and a half months that we have been living together he hasn’t been once that I know of, which means that he hasn’t gone, cause I would know. But he is a huge believer in god ,and is a Lutheran and the things that he does for us, and how everything happens for a reason, and being part of gods plan, and how god doesn’t give us more then we can handle. And blah, blah, blah, so he is definitely a lot more religious then I am, that is for sure. And somehow the subject came up that he was going to be going to church on thanksgiving day and I said to him you know I wont be going with you right. And he gave me this look like I had just shocked the heck out of him and said why. So I said to him that he knows that I am not a really
religious person and that I don’t go to church really, and that on the slim chance I was going to be going to church that I would be going to a catholic church. So he was very surprised for that, and basically asked if I would go for him. And of course on Christmas Eve too he goes, and other holidays especially. So basically he asked me if I would go with him at least several times a year, because he didn’t think that was that big of a deal. To me it is a big deal, not only is he asking me too go to church, which I generally don’t do, but he is also asking me to go to a church which religion I am definitely not nor have I ever been. So to me yes that is a hugely big deal. So that conversation of course sparked the conversation of if we have a baby what religion would it be baptized with. And his response of course \ would be that itwould be baptized Lutheran and that there would be no options or discussion when it came to that, because that was what he wanted it to be. Which wasn’t as huge of a big deal to me as me being made to go to a church that I really don’t want to go to, because to me a child being baptized is a child being baptized and it doesn’t matter what religion it is as long as it is baptized. I just cant stand the thought of it being that big of a deal to me that I go to church with him
and it being that important to him that I go. Because I know that if I don’t that it will be a huge big deal to him. And I am even more sure that his parents that are the same religion are also super religious would make a big deal out of it if I wasn’t there with him. So that would be another issue. His parents are so super religious that they don’t know that I am still technically married and am not divorced yet at this time. He actually made it a point to tell me that he didn’t want them to know that because it would kill them, I guess knowing that their son was living with a woman who was married to someone else. So that is something that we haven’t told them, but I am just waiting for the moment that it somehow slips out from somewhere or someone and they get hugely upset about it, but what else can be done? I don’t exactly have about 1,000 dollars sitting around so that I can file with a paralegal, not even a lawyer. That’s right it is that much to not even have a lawyer, just a paralegal to just file everything for you. Incredible huh? So anyway, to get back to the religion thing, this is giving me something to decide. The whole
baptism thing isn’t that big if an issue, because I have accepted the fact that if at some point we have a baby it is going to be baptized Lutheran, so that is okay I suppose. But me going to church just to make him happy and not feeling it or meaning it or wanting me to be there on my own doesn’t make me happy. Well, I suppose that I have about a month and a half to figure that one out. Ugh.
The below are quotes from either wikipedia.com or from about.com:
“A religion is a set of common beliefs and practices generally held by a group of people, often codified as prayer, ritual, and religious law.”
“The Lutheran Church is the Protestant denomination which led the way in the development of the Protestant Reformation. The doctrines of the Lutheran churchesare derived directly from the teachings of Martin Luther, the originator of the Protestant Reformation.”
“The Roman Catholic Church traces its history to Jesus and the Twelve Apostles, and sees the bishops of the Church as the successors of the Apostles in general, and the Pope as the successor of Saint Peter, leader of the Apostles, in particular.[19] The first known use of the term "Catholic Church" was in a letter by Ignatius of Antioch in 107, who wrote: "Where the bishop appears, there let the people be, just as where Jesus Christ is, there is the Catholic Church."[20”
To some people religion means everything to them, itis what they live and breathe everyday, and it means the world to them. Like my mother for example, who has to go to church every Sunday, even if she is so sick that she can barely move she will still do her best to go, even if it means making someone drive her because she is unable to drive herself. The only times that I have ever seen her not go to church was when she was in the hospital for various reasons, and man did it bug her that he couldn’t go. My mother is a Roman Catholic and has been since she was born. She is such a strict Catholic that if she is on vacation in a city that she has not ever been too, and it happens to be a Sunday you automatically know that you have to find
her a church to go to for when it is Sunday morning. So that is how I was brought up, even though my dad isn’t a very religious person at all, like I think the only time that he has ever set foot in a church was for a wedding or my two childrens baptisms, my mom took me to church with her every Sunday, whether I liked it or not. Which for most of my childhood it was just something that I did, and I believed in it
because my mom did. And that was that, I was even an altar server for a few years, don’t remember exactly how long, but I did it for a while. So I was brought
up catholic. I did baptize my children as they were born, and had no issues with that, they were baptized in the same catholic church that I was. And I do believe in a lot of things still that I was brought up believing, but some things I do not follow. Then when everything happened to me at once about two years ago with the hurricane, my home, my boyfriend, and losing everything, not that I quit believing but I guess just that something got lost, and it wasn’t the same. Not that I had really went to church a lot then, but I did more then I do now that’s for sure. To give you an idea of how often I go to church, the last time that I had went was in April (before this moment) and I didn’t even get to go inside the actual church because it was easter Sunday and it was very crowded so I couldn’t get an actual seat inside the church. And before that it had also been a really long time, maybe a year if not two years. So that should give you an idea of how often I go to church, and if I do go at all of course it would be a catholic church because that is how I was raised and where the basis of my beliefs are. but here is where the issue comes in and the reason that I am blogging this now. My boyfriend isnt a hugely devoutly religious person, I don’t think, because he doesn’t hardly go to church, for the past two and a half months that we have been living together he hasn’t been once that I know of, which means that he hasn’t gone, cause I would know. But he is a huge believer in god ,and is a Lutheran and the things that he does for us, and how everything happens for a reason, and being part of gods plan, and how god doesn’t give us more then we can handle. And blah, blah, blah, so he is definitely a lot more religious then I am, that is for sure. And somehow the subject came up that he was going to be going to church on thanksgiving day and I said to him you know I wont be going with you right. And he gave me this look like I had just shocked the heck out of him and said why. So I said to him that he knows that I am not a really
religious person and that I don’t go to church really, and that on the slim chance I was going to be going to church that I would be going to a catholic church. So he was very surprised for that, and basically asked if I would go for him. And of course on Christmas Eve too he goes, and other holidays especially. So basically he asked me if I would go with him at least several times a year, because he didn’t think that was that big of a deal. To me it is a big deal, not only is he asking me too go to church, which I generally don’t do, but he is also asking me to go to a church which religion I am definitely not nor have I ever been. So to me yes that is a hugely big deal. So that conversation of course sparked the conversation of if we have a baby what religion would it be baptized with. And his response of course \ would be that itwould be baptized Lutheran and that there would be no options or discussion when it came to that, because that was what he wanted it to be. Which wasn’t as huge of a big deal to me as me being made to go to a church that I really don’t want to go to, because to me a child being baptized is a child being baptized and it doesn’t matter what religion it is as long as it is baptized. I just cant stand the thought of it being that big of a deal to me that I go to church with him
and it being that important to him that I go. Because I know that if I don’t that it will be a huge big deal to him. And I am even more sure that his parents that are the same religion are also super religious would make a big deal out of it if I wasn’t there with him. So that would be another issue. His parents are so super religious that they don’t know that I am still technically married and am not divorced yet at this time. He actually made it a point to tell me that he didn’t want them to know that because it would kill them, I guess knowing that their son was living with a woman who was married to someone else. So that is something that we haven’t told them, but I am just waiting for the moment that it somehow slips out from somewhere or someone and they get hugely upset about it, but what else can be done? I don’t exactly have about 1,000 dollars sitting around so that I can file with a paralegal, not even a lawyer. That’s right it is that much to not even have a lawyer, just a paralegal to just file everything for you. Incredible huh? So anyway, to get back to the religion thing, this is giving me something to decide. The whole
baptism thing isn’t that big if an issue, because I have accepted the fact that if at some point we have a baby it is going to be baptized Lutheran, so that is okay I suppose. But me going to church just to make him happy and not feeling it or meaning it or wanting me to be there on my own doesn’t make me happy. Well, I suppose that I have about a month and a half to figure that one out. Ugh.
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