Sparks? And Other Updates And Thoughts

i am still alternating between being depressed and not depressed, i still have the urges that i shouldnt have, in more ways then one. i have the urge that i hate giving in too, because i know that isnt good for me. i have been good so far with that one, i havent given in, even though the urge gets really bad sometimes. and then i have the other urge which is bad too, and that is that maybe i am just not a one guy person. maybe i need more then one guy at a time, for the nights that he is too tired, or just doesnt want to. not really, i dont want to cheat on him, and i really dont think that i would, because that isnt what i am about. maybe i just need to start turning to my vibrator more. we got really hot and heavy i think that it was weds night, and we did it, and he lasted not even probably 5 minutes, and then that was that. so of course that left me probably even more frustrated then i started off as. so i had to finish myself off, which sucked even more for me. i mean fine in the end i felt better, but still. and now i am back in the same situation that i was before, i tried again last night to get him going, but i got an its late and i have to get up early tomorrow morning. so i just let it go. i am doing better with him leaving me, because especially being that his name is on this lease too, i couldnt see him doing that, and ruining his credit, because his credit is even better then mine. the dog is doing okay, he hasnt really been eating that much lately, just i guess enough so that it makes him feel a little full when he gets hungry. right now i am so broke, it isnt even funny. i am actually in the negative and am borrowing from my next paycheck, because i had to pay for all the school supplies and clothes for my son, because his dad is a completely worthless piece of you know what, as usual. which hasnt changed. he is unemployed, has been unemployed for quite a while, and doesnt look like he has any leads or anything that looks like it may be coming his way for a job. so i cant look for any money for him for my sons things. i tried, that was a laugh. so i had to pay for everything for him completely myself. then i had to pay for a majority of things for my daughter too, because even though her dad gave me some money, it wasnt enough to even cover half of what i had to pay for for her. because she has grown out of everything that she had from last year unfortunately. so anyway that is why i am in the negative right now, i am taking from a paycheck that i dont even have right now. which is okay i guess. the only thing that is saving me right now is that this is a three paycheck month for me, and i have an extra like 500 dollars this month. because tomorrow i also have to take the dog to the pet store, in this special clinic that they have every month, so that he can get his shots that he needs for the year. because it has been a year since he has had them. so that is going to be at least another 40 dollars for me to spend tomorrow. he (my boyfriend) was trying to talk to me thurs night at like 11:30pm at night when i was half asleep, and he was trying to talk to me about the possibility of buying a house/condo whatever when our lease was over here. he said that if we are able to pay off a lot of our bills, and also save up enough money that it would be a good possibility that we would be able to do that. so i didnt really say anything at that point, because honestly i was half asleep. i thought more about what he had said later, and realized that he has never really completley clarified to me that he wants to be with me because he wants to be with me, or if he just needs me to help me pay the bills. i know that he needs me to help him pay the bills, but i wanted to know how he felt about me too. because a one year lease is nothing compared to a 20-30 year mortgage on a home or condo. so i mentioned it to him this morning, and all he really was able to say was that when he says that he loves me, which he does, just not that much, that he really means it. and that was all that he was able to say before his phone rang, with his job calling him, and he had to go to work. so hopefully we will continue that conversation later, without me having to bring it up again. i hope. i want him to bring it up so that i dont have to worry about it. i just want to know where we stand i suppose, because whenever we are having serious conversations he is always talking along the lines of the financial aspect of everything and other aspects and he never goes with anything from the emotional aspect. he isnt really that good at expressing his feelings. which is okay, i suppose, to a point. maybe this all just going way to fast for me, he rescued me i suppose that you could say from the situation that i was in, without him i would have never had the money to help him put down, or buy any of the things that we needed, or even pay off for my car, so that i could split the rent with him. i dont know, i just dont like rushing into anything. and like me getting divorced too, it seriously bugs him, and heaven forbid his parents should ever know that i am married technically, and just seperated and living with him. his parents especially are very religious people, and he isnt majorly that far behind them. so that is a serious issue for him, and he is figuring with money and everything else, that i should be able to file for divorce by november or december. not that i am really opposed to that idea. i just dont like feeling like i am being rushed into anything, and that is how i feel right now. i feel like he is pushing me into everything. which i guess i shouldnt feel like that i dont know. my parents dont like him, especially my dad, my mom said that she gets a bad vibe from him, my dad says that he doesnt even try to talk to him, or pay him any attention at all. which i dont know why. it isnt like this isnt the first guy that i have been with that they havent liked, but the two kids fathers they couldnt stand and look how that turned out. i dont know. the one guy that they really liked is the one that left me after the hurricane with a huge disaster and never came back. so i guess maybe something could be said for them liking guys or not. maybe the issue with me and being scared that everything is moving so fast, is i didnt really have a chance to adjust to staying with my son's dad to moving in with another guy. yeah, yeah, i can just hear everyone telling me i told you so, about bouncing from guy to guy but it wasnt like that with me and my sons father. we werent really in a relationship, we were more like we were co-existing together. and then i miss going to the club with my friends, and dancing there, and drinking and having fun. i know that he wont go with me to a club, because he doesnt like them. and then i would feel kind of bad going there without him, and potentially even leaving the kids with him so that i can go out. i just cant help myself though, it has been over a month since i have done that, or went to dinner with my friends or shot pool with them or anything like that, and i am getting really restless, i need to go out and let loose. "sigh" and he will say that is a waste of money, and that i could do better with my money, which is the same thing that he said when i mentioned that i want another tattoo also. he does have a good point amount better ways to spend my money, but those are things that i enjoy, bad enough that i dont have my nose or belly piercing anymore. that is another story.