My Feelings And Mood

okay so my mood should be really upbeat and happy right now right? i am out of a crappy situation, away from a man who couldnt hold down a job and still cant and couldnt pay the one thing every month that he was responsible for, while i took care of everything else. i am in a 3 bedroom apartment, finally, which is something that i have been wanting for the kids for at least the past 2-3 years. so i have all of that, i even have my dog back that i had to give away. i also have my boyfriend who i am living with, who treats me and the kids really good, is very mature and responsible. so what is the problem with me? not only do i feel like this impending sense of doom that this all isnt going to last and that something is going to change and go wrong. but i also feel like it just cant stay this good, something is going to happen, and then i also feel just "off". i am not really depressed completely, but is like it is sneaking up on me. and if i am not paying attention or trying to hard to fight it, then it comes over me again. one thing is that i am so afraid that he is going to leave me, just like the last boyfriend that i was living with did. he just up and left me when the going got tough, and things started to go wrong, and bad and he couldnt handle them. so what is to keep this guy from doing the same thing? i am so terrigfied of that, i cant even find words to express it. and it isnt even oh no, if he lives i wouldnt have the money to afford this place, or oh no, i would be left with nothing and be in the street. it is him leaving me. and the fact that once again, someone would be leaving me all alone. and my heart would break. maybe i am not letting him get as close to me as i possibly could, because i am scared of being broken again. it took me so long to pick myself back up after he left me, with nothing, and all alone, with all the problems, and to get over him, and i can honestly say that i am still not completely over him, i will probably never be. i still wonder where he is now, and if he is okay, cause i havent heard from him in such a long time. i did mention to my boyfriend now that is something that i am paranoid about, is him leaving me, and that probably made me seem all clingy and needy, but i didnt really care at the moment, i wanted to be honest with him becuase that is something that seriously weighs on my mind. and not even that he gives me any indication that he wants to leave me, but i have no choice. so he said something about helping me save some of my money, so that i would have some money saved and not have nothing. so i tried to explain to him that it wasnt money that i was worried about, but then i left it at that, i didnt say anything else. because honestly it wouldnt have mattered what he would have said at that point anyway, after all what was he going to say, oh i will never leave you, no matter what? that is what the other one said to me too, and look at where that got me. so yeah i have been depressed and trying to fight it lately. and then it probably doesnt help that i didnt even realize how hard it would be to be in a serious relationship with someone that works like 55 hours a week or more, and is hardly ever home, especially being that 2 of the shifts he works are actually night shifts so i am in bed by the time that he gets home. and also that we havent had sex for probably at least a week and a half i am guessing. and the interesting is that before that we were having sex every day, and now it is like not happening at all. i tried to get him going and to last night and instead i got an i am tired, and i have to wake up early tomorrow. we will do it tomorrow night. so it is now tomorrow night, and he has been sleeping since 8:30pm tonight, because he is tired. big surprise there. i think that i need to stop depending on a man to give me what i need, and just start turning to my toys instead. it isnt the same by far, but at least i dont have to worry about if they are tired or in the mood. or not. i have an appointment for i think that it is the 16th of this month, to have my annual obgyn appt, and while i am there, i am having myself screened for everything else that you can think of, because we are both having that done, and planning on showing each other the results, and then we can hopefully stop worrying about stupid annoying condoms. because i am back on my birth control again, i dont want to mess around with that anymore. his appointment is the end of this month, i think it is on a wednesday he said, i am not sure. not that it even matters if i am on birth control or not right now anyway, for the amount of sex that we have been having right now, but oh well, i still havent figured out what brought the change in that yet. i have had my period for the past 4 days, but what about the week before that? is the spark dying already? thats just great. i know that it isnt dying on my end though, because my desire is still there. so maybe on his end, or he is just too tired? i dont know. well that is enough for today.