Sparks? And Other Updates And Thoughts

i am still alternating between being depressed and not depressed, i still have the urges that i shouldnt have, in more ways then one. i have the urge that i hate giving in too, because i know that isnt good for me. i have been good so far with that one, i havent given in, even though the urge gets really bad sometimes. and then i have the other urge which is bad too, and that is that maybe i am just not a one guy person. maybe i need more then one guy at a time, for the nights that he is too tired, or just doesnt want to. not really, i dont want to cheat on him, and i really dont think that i would, because that isnt what i am about. maybe i just need to start turning to my vibrator more. we got really hot and heavy i think that it was weds night, and we did it, and he lasted not even probably 5 minutes, and then that was that. so of course that left me probably even more frustrated then i started off as. so i had to finish myself off, which sucked even more for me. i mean fine in the end i felt better, but still. and now i am back in the same situation that i was before, i tried again last night to get him going, but i got an its late and i have to get up early tomorrow morning. so i just let it go. i am doing better with him leaving me, because especially being that his name is on this lease too, i couldnt see him doing that, and ruining his credit, because his credit is even better then mine. the dog is doing okay, he hasnt really been eating that much lately, just i guess enough so that it makes him feel a little full when he gets hungry. right now i am so broke, it isnt even funny. i am actually in the negative and am borrowing from my next paycheck, because i had to pay for all the school supplies and clothes for my son, because his dad is a completely worthless piece of you know what, as usual. which hasnt changed. he is unemployed, has been unemployed for quite a while, and doesnt look like he has any leads or anything that looks like it may be coming his way for a job. so i cant look for any money for him for my sons things. i tried, that was a laugh. so i had to pay for everything for him completely myself. then i had to pay for a majority of things for my daughter too, because even though her dad gave me some money, it wasnt enough to even cover half of what i had to pay for for her. because she has grown out of everything that she had from last year unfortunately. so anyway that is why i am in the negative right now, i am taking from a paycheck that i dont even have right now. which is okay i guess. the only thing that is saving me right now is that this is a three paycheck month for me, and i have an extra like 500 dollars this month. because tomorrow i also have to take the dog to the pet store, in this special clinic that they have every month, so that he can get his shots that he needs for the year. because it has been a year since he has had them. so that is going to be at least another 40 dollars for me to spend tomorrow. he (my boyfriend) was trying to talk to me thurs night at like 11:30pm at night when i was half asleep, and he was trying to talk to me about the possibility of buying a house/condo whatever when our lease was over here. he said that if we are able to pay off a lot of our bills, and also save up enough money that it would be a good possibility that we would be able to do that. so i didnt really say anything at that point, because honestly i was half asleep. i thought more about what he had said later, and realized that he has never really completley clarified to me that he wants to be with me because he wants to be with me, or if he just needs me to help me pay the bills. i know that he needs me to help him pay the bills, but i wanted to know how he felt about me too. because a one year lease is nothing compared to a 20-30 year mortgage on a home or condo. so i mentioned it to him this morning, and all he really was able to say was that when he says that he loves me, which he does, just not that much, that he really means it. and that was all that he was able to say before his phone rang, with his job calling him, and he had to go to work. so hopefully we will continue that conversation later, without me having to bring it up again. i hope. i want him to bring it up so that i dont have to worry about it. i just want to know where we stand i suppose, because whenever we are having serious conversations he is always talking along the lines of the financial aspect of everything and other aspects and he never goes with anything from the emotional aspect. he isnt really that good at expressing his feelings. which is okay, i suppose, to a point. maybe this all just going way to fast for me, he rescued me i suppose that you could say from the situation that i was in, without him i would have never had the money to help him put down, or buy any of the things that we needed, or even pay off for my car, so that i could split the rent with him. i dont know, i just dont like rushing into anything. and like me getting divorced too, it seriously bugs him, and heaven forbid his parents should ever know that i am married technically, and just seperated and living with him. his parents especially are very religious people, and he isnt majorly that far behind them. so that is a serious issue for him, and he is figuring with money and everything else, that i should be able to file for divorce by november or december. not that i am really opposed to that idea. i just dont like feeling like i am being rushed into anything, and that is how i feel right now. i feel like he is pushing me into everything. which i guess i shouldnt feel like that i dont know. my parents dont like him, especially my dad, my mom said that she gets a bad vibe from him, my dad says that he doesnt even try to talk to him, or pay him any attention at all. which i dont know why. it isnt like this isnt the first guy that i have been with that they havent liked, but the two kids fathers they couldnt stand and look how that turned out. i dont know. the one guy that they really liked is the one that left me after the hurricane with a huge disaster and never came back. so i guess maybe something could be said for them liking guys or not. maybe the issue with me and being scared that everything is moving so fast, is i didnt really have a chance to adjust to staying with my son's dad to moving in with another guy. yeah, yeah, i can just hear everyone telling me i told you so, about bouncing from guy to guy but it wasnt like that with me and my sons father. we werent really in a relationship, we were more like we were co-existing together. and then i miss going to the club with my friends, and dancing there, and drinking and having fun. i know that he wont go with me to a club, because he doesnt like them. and then i would feel kind of bad going there without him, and potentially even leaving the kids with him so that i can go out. i just cant help myself though, it has been over a month since i have done that, or went to dinner with my friends or shot pool with them or anything like that, and i am getting really restless, i need to go out and let loose. "sigh" and he will say that is a waste of money, and that i could do better with my money, which is the same thing that he said when i mentioned that i want another tattoo also. he does have a good point amount better ways to spend my money, but those are things that i enjoy, bad enough that i dont have my nose or belly piercing anymore. that is another story.

My Feelings And Mood

okay so my mood should be really upbeat and happy right now right? i am out of a crappy situation, away from a man who couldnt hold down a job and still cant and couldnt pay the one thing every month that he was responsible for, while i took care of everything else. i am in a 3 bedroom apartment, finally, which is something that i have been wanting for the kids for at least the past 2-3 years. so i have all of that, i even have my dog back that i had to give away. i also have my boyfriend who i am living with, who treats me and the kids really good, is very mature and responsible. so what is the problem with me? not only do i feel like this impending sense of doom that this all isnt going to last and that something is going to change and go wrong. but i also feel like it just cant stay this good, something is going to happen, and then i also feel just "off". i am not really depressed completely, but is like it is sneaking up on me. and if i am not paying attention or trying to hard to fight it, then it comes over me again. one thing is that i am so afraid that he is going to leave me, just like the last boyfriend that i was living with did. he just up and left me when the going got tough, and things started to go wrong, and bad and he couldnt handle them. so what is to keep this guy from doing the same thing? i am so terrigfied of that, i cant even find words to express it. and it isnt even oh no, if he lives i wouldnt have the money to afford this place, or oh no, i would be left with nothing and be in the street. it is him leaving me. and the fact that once again, someone would be leaving me all alone. and my heart would break. maybe i am not letting him get as close to me as i possibly could, because i am scared of being broken again. it took me so long to pick myself back up after he left me, with nothing, and all alone, with all the problems, and to get over him, and i can honestly say that i am still not completely over him, i will probably never be. i still wonder where he is now, and if he is okay, cause i havent heard from him in such a long time. i did mention to my boyfriend now that is something that i am paranoid about, is him leaving me, and that probably made me seem all clingy and needy, but i didnt really care at the moment, i wanted to be honest with him becuase that is something that seriously weighs on my mind. and not even that he gives me any indication that he wants to leave me, but i have no choice. so he said something about helping me save some of my money, so that i would have some money saved and not have nothing. so i tried to explain to him that it wasnt money that i was worried about, but then i left it at that, i didnt say anything else. because honestly it wouldnt have mattered what he would have said at that point anyway, after all what was he going to say, oh i will never leave you, no matter what? that is what the other one said to me too, and look at where that got me. so yeah i have been depressed and trying to fight it lately. and then it probably doesnt help that i didnt even realize how hard it would be to be in a serious relationship with someone that works like 55 hours a week or more, and is hardly ever home, especially being that 2 of the shifts he works are actually night shifts so i am in bed by the time that he gets home. and also that we havent had sex for probably at least a week and a half i am guessing. and the interesting is that before that we were having sex every day, and now it is like not happening at all. i tried to get him going and to last night and instead i got an i am tired, and i have to wake up early tomorrow. we will do it tomorrow night. so it is now tomorrow night, and he has been sleeping since 8:30pm tonight, because he is tired. big surprise there. i think that i need to stop depending on a man to give me what i need, and just start turning to my toys instead. it isnt the same by far, but at least i dont have to worry about if they are tired or in the mood. or not. i have an appointment for i think that it is the 16th of this month, to have my annual obgyn appt, and while i am there, i am having myself screened for everything else that you can think of, because we are both having that done, and planning on showing each other the results, and then we can hopefully stop worrying about stupid annoying condoms. because i am back on my birth control again, i dont want to mess around with that anymore. his appointment is the end of this month, i think it is on a wednesday he said, i am not sure. not that it even matters if i am on birth control or not right now anyway, for the amount of sex that we have been having right now, but oh well, i still havent figured out what brought the change in that yet. i have had my period for the past 4 days, but what about the week before that? is the spark dying already? thats just great. i know that it isnt dying on my end though, because my desire is still there. so maybe on his end, or he is just too tired? i dont know. well that is enough for today.

The Decision That I Will Admit Was A Very Wrong One

The decision that I will admit was a very wrong one was the decision to give away my dog to a person that I thought would give him a really good home. I had talked to this older man, in his 60’s, several times before I made the final decision to give the dog to him, and I had actually talked to him over a period of at least a week or two weeks. I even brought the dog on the day that I gave him away to the guys house to make sure that everything looked okay. And it did, so I ended up giving him my dog, who I loved very much. I was crying hard on the way back from giving the dog away, that is how much it was breaking my heart. But I decided to do it anyway, because it was what I felt was the best thing. I knew that I was moving, and that in order to bring the dog it would cost a several hundred dollars for a pet security deposit, and he also had flipped out during a storm and had chewed through the big crate that I had for him, and I didn’t want to spend more money on a crate and then have him get out and damage the new place. So I gave him to this man, going on and on and over and over with him the dogs issues with storms, not to leave him outside, that he will get upset, possibly hurt himself, hurt other things, and run away. And the guy kept telling me that he understood, and that he wouldn’t do that. about a week or a week and half later, I don’t remember exactly how long, and then I get a call that he was lost again, and that someone had found him. So I went and got him this was on Wednesday of last week, and I picked him up from this persons house who worked for the business that he had wondered up to. So I got him, and brought him home, and called my boyfriend once I got home to tell him about this. I also stopped on the way home to get him a crate and also some food and things like that he needed. So anyway, long story short, I ended up spending 70 dollars alone on a crate for him, which he has already started gnawing on, I know this because there are teeth marks in the sides of it where the holes are. So that doesn’t make me happy because of his issues with storms he has to stay in there so that he doesn’t hurt himself or any of our belongings. I also spent a lot of other money on him too, on toys, food, and medicine because this man didn’t take good care of him either. Not only did he leave him outside a lot during the day so that he got fleas ticks and god knows what else, but that aggravated the skin condition that he has, so that he is missing fur in a lot of different areas, and has bites in a couple of different places, and he also had a good scratch on his nose too, probably from when he was getting lose and trying to run around. The end of the story is that me and my boyfriend talked about it, and he said that we would keep him, that he seemed like a really good dog, and that he would pay the pet security deposit with the next set of bonus money that he has coming to him, which I think is in a week or so. This whole thing with him gnawing on the new crate already is making me very unhappy because I just bought it on Thursday night and spent 70 dollars for it, and I am hoping that he doesn’t gnaw his way out of this, like he eventually kept working on the metal cage until he could gnaw and bend his way out of that one too. Honestly if this crate doesn’t hold him and he destroys and gets out of this one like he destroyed and got out of the one before this, I don’t really know what to do. This is like a last resort type thing, I cant think of anything else to do with him. I selected this plastic crate because I couldn’t see how he could chew or get out of this one, because I thought that the holes in the sides and the front were too small for him to get his mouth around, but I was wrong he has been able to put teeth marks and get his teeth into the holes. So I just have to hope that this will hold him and that he wont be able to get out or destroy this or I don’t know what I will do. And also never mind the fact that if he is able to get out of this, even with me telling my boyfriend that we are going to start putting the crate on the bathroom floor, and shutting the door so that even if he is able to get out, he cant damage to much, even in the bathroom if he is upset enough and trying to get out that badly he can certainly damage things in there. Like the brand new cabinets, the floor, the brand new painted door, all of those things. Because unlike the apartment that he was in with me before this one, which was a little beat up and broken down, this one is remodeled and since it has been remodeled and redone we are the first people to be in here. So everything in here is brand new. So if he got lose on this place and flipped out that would be a very bad thing. I would be so hugely upset that it wouldn’t even be funny.

Have I Really Been Making Bad Decisions?

My son’s father (technical husband, even though we are separated) had said to me a few days ago, when he was mad at me about the decisions that I had made, that I hadn’t thought out my decisions and that they were the wrong ones. More details about it later, but basically the decision that he was talking about was finally moving out from where we were staying and leaving him there by himself and taking the kids with me. The dog I had already given to someone to take care of, who I thought would be a good person to take care of him. So anyway, he was going on and on about how I hadn’t thought my decision through and that it was the wrong decision and now the kids were suffering for it. My daughter has excepted everything fine, my son is more of the one that is having issues with it, because for the past almost two years we were living with his daddy and he saw him everyday and now he doesn’t see him everyday, he only sees him like three and a half days out of the week, and the other three and a half days I have him in my house. Was I just being selfish in my decisions that I have made recently? I decided to uproot my children and myself from the house that we had lived in for almost two years, and away from their daddy. Not that I had any feelings for him or really miss him at all, it is just the fact that everything is so different for my kids. Even though he has helped reinforce the fact that my decision wasn’t so bad, my getting fired from yet another job yesterday, all because he said that he couldn’t keep his mouth shut anymore and let them treat him like that. So basically what that means is that he is up to his own tricks, and he is completely unemployed now. Luckily I had the intelligence to have a certified letter sent from the post office over a week and a half ago to the apartment leasing office that I had the old apartment with, stating that I am not to be held responsible for the month-to-month lease anymore, and that my name was supposed to be removed from the lease. And I received the signature card back so that shows that they had definitely received it. But regardless if he does lose the apartment I will still be stuck in a couple of different respects, for one my son is supposed to be going to preschool right now near his house, and the deal that we made is that I wouldn’t have to pay anything so that he could go there near him like he wanted, and he would work for the school to make up the money to them so he doesn’t have to pay either. Of course if he doesn’t have that place anymore then that wont happen. And also of course I will have the issue of who is going to watch him (on certain days) until he starts school the week of the 20th of this month. And then one final thing is that I left him only one thing in my name to help which was the electric with the understanding that he would give me the money in full the 1st of every month, and that if he didn’t have it that day I would then have to shut it off because I cant pay for it. So that would be a bill that I would be stuck with. Which wouldn’t be good, especially considering that the last bill that he paid was $151.00. So that is that, when I think about I guess that I don’t regret that decision to move out with the kids, because it was a long time coming, and especially seeing that it is the same thing with him all over again with him not being able to keep a job and not being able to keep his mouth shut. That just happened yesterday, so at least I guess that showed me that I should have no doubts even in the tiniest part of my mind that I made the right decision. I know that it has been a few weeks since I have updated this blog, and that is because I signed a lease with my boyfriend, yep that’s right boyfriend, on the 13th. He is 36 years old, I have actually known him for at least 7 months, and we had been going out for a month when we signed the lease. It hasn’t really been a huge adjustment, at least not for me anyway, to be living with him. He is really easy to get along with, and he gets along well with the kids. My son has been being more difficult then usual, it seems he is acting out against everything that has been going on and also he is going with what his dad is telling him, which I am sure that he is trying to poison his mind against me. Which is not right, and I said something to him about it, and he of course claims that he hasn’t said anything against me in front of him. Yeah right okay whatever. So anyway, we now have a three bedroom, me, my boyfriend, and the two kids, the kids each have their own rooms of course. My boyfriend and I are doing well, we haven’t argued or anything since we have been going out, and he treats us all really good. I have not one complaint about him. I really don’t.