Hands Off, Don't Touch

i was really hands off with my boyfriend last night, didnt really want him to touch me, and wasnt very social with him either when he finally came home from work. i really just didnt want to be bothered. and then i kept trying to pull my big t-shirt on that i had on to go to sleep in, because i really didnt want him to see what i was hiding underneath on my leg. i dont think that he saw, if he did he didnt say anything about it. and i am sure that if he did, he would have said something. even though he has never seen it on me, because i hadnt done it since i have been with him, i had mentioned to him before that i had that issue that came and went, and told him about it. so i am guessing that he hadnt seen it. i dont want him to see it really, i dont want to draw attention to it, because i dont want to hear him and what he has to say about it, and have to explain things to him, like for example what made me do it, which is depression, and then try to explain to him why i am depressed. and not have him think that it is him that is causing it. which it isnt, it is me. and my mind. last night he was trying to lay down right next to me like he usually does and i kept moving away from him in bed, i just really didnt want him up against me, because i was hot and also because of that. (what i had on me). earlier when he had gotten home he asked how was my day, and i said not that great, and wouldnt tell him why, and then a little while later when we were trying to get to bed, he asked me what was bugging me becuase he said that something must be, and i said nothing dont worry about it, i am fine. and that was it. and then this morning he had to leave quickly for work, because he overslept, so there wasnt much time from the time that we woke up to the time that he had to leave for work. he just asked how i was doing when i woke up this morning and i said that i was fine, and that was that. he didnt pursue it, i dont know if he will pursue it later though, i just dont want to talk about it. and if he sees me where it is, i know that will be done, i will have to talk about it. ugh. i dont like to really talk about it with people at all, that and my depression, because unless they have been there, which a lot of people havent, they just dont understand anything about it. a lot of people, scary that this idea is to me, think that it is all in your mind, and that there is nothing wrong with you that you cant fix or control yourself.

we are supposed to all (me, my boyfriend, my four year old son, and my seven year old daughter) be going away next weekend. we are leaving saturday morning, and coming back sunday night. we are going to visit one of my friends in a city about three hours away, her daughter is turning one year old and on sunday they are having a birthday party for her. i have been planning on going to see her for this for a long time, even before me and my boyfriend even started dating. (we knew each other then, but werent dating). so i had asked him if he wanted to come a while ago, and he said yes, so he took the time off work so that he could come too. and of course being that his car is the new one, we are taking his. cause i would definetly think that his would be more trustworthy then mine. i really hope that this trip goes okay, especially having the two kids together in the backseat for about three hours two days in a row. well, i am sure that on the way back they will fall asleep in the car. (i hope) but on the way there saturday morning is another story. and we have to board my dog at a pet boarding place, and i dont know how he is going to do with that, being that he has never been boarded before. and especially all of the issues that he has had, i just hope that he is okay, and doesnt freak out about it. okay thats enough for now, i have to start cooking dinner.