Hands Off, Don't Touch

i was really hands off with my boyfriend last night, didnt really want him to touch me, and wasnt very social with him either when he finally came home from work. i really just didnt want to be bothered. and then i kept trying to pull my big t-shirt on that i had on to go to sleep in, because i really didnt want him to see what i was hiding underneath on my leg. i dont think that he saw, if he did he didnt say anything about it. and i am sure that if he did, he would have said something. even though he has never seen it on me, because i hadnt done it since i have been with him, i had mentioned to him before that i had that issue that came and went, and told him about it. so i am guessing that he hadnt seen it. i dont want him to see it really, i dont want to draw attention to it, because i dont want to hear him and what he has to say about it, and have to explain things to him, like for example what made me do it, which is depression, and then try to explain to him why i am depressed. and not have him think that it is him that is causing it. which it isnt, it is me. and my mind. last night he was trying to lay down right next to me like he usually does and i kept moving away from him in bed, i just really didnt want him up against me, because i was hot and also because of that. (what i had on me). earlier when he had gotten home he asked how was my day, and i said not that great, and wouldnt tell him why, and then a little while later when we were trying to get to bed, he asked me what was bugging me becuase he said that something must be, and i said nothing dont worry about it, i am fine. and that was it. and then this morning he had to leave quickly for work, because he overslept, so there wasnt much time from the time that we woke up to the time that he had to leave for work. he just asked how i was doing when i woke up this morning and i said that i was fine, and that was that. he didnt pursue it, i dont know if he will pursue it later though, i just dont want to talk about it. and if he sees me where it is, i know that will be done, i will have to talk about it. ugh. i dont like to really talk about it with people at all, that and my depression, because unless they have been there, which a lot of people havent, they just dont understand anything about it. a lot of people, scary that this idea is to me, think that it is all in your mind, and that there is nothing wrong with you that you cant fix or control yourself.

we are supposed to all (me, my boyfriend, my four year old son, and my seven year old daughter) be going away next weekend. we are leaving saturday morning, and coming back sunday night. we are going to visit one of my friends in a city about three hours away, her daughter is turning one year old and on sunday they are having a birthday party for her. i have been planning on going to see her for this for a long time, even before me and my boyfriend even started dating. (we knew each other then, but werent dating). so i had asked him if he wanted to come a while ago, and he said yes, so he took the time off work so that he could come too. and of course being that his car is the new one, we are taking his. cause i would definetly think that his would be more trustworthy then mine. i really hope that this trip goes okay, especially having the two kids together in the backseat for about three hours two days in a row. well, i am sure that on the way back they will fall asleep in the car. (i hope) but on the way there saturday morning is another story. and we have to board my dog at a pet boarding place, and i dont know how he is going to do with that, being that he has never been boarded before. and especially all of the issues that he has had, i just hope that he is okay, and doesnt freak out about it. okay thats enough for now, i have to start cooking dinner.

I Was Doing Really Good

i was doing so good, with things going well for me, and thinking that everything was okay, and that it would be okay. well, yeah okay, anyway. too start it all off with, my boyfriend got diagnosed with being diabetic a little over a week ago, which all started because i was insisting that he make sure that set up his yearly check up appointment and soon, because i was checked for std's last month, and got my results back which were all negative and gave them all to him, and expected him to do the same for me, so that we wouldnt have to keep using a condom which we had done since we had been together from the start, we never went without one, ever. he did bring me his test results back and everything for him was good, came out negative too, but more on that later. so anyway, he got diagnosed with diabetes, and that turned everything upside down. at least in my opinion anyway. it changed a lot of things. it made cooking more difficult, grocery shopping more difficult, everything more difficult. and i spent some of the time being frustrated and annoyed with the situation, because i was getting no help from anyone with figuring out what needed to be done to handle it, and yet everyone expected me too. everyone meaning his sister, mother and him. so that got me really frustrated. so now about a week later, i think that i have a better grip on it then i did before. so that is good anyway. then he got me upset telling me that his ex-fiancee was going to give him the diabetic education that he needed so that he could get all of his diabetic supplies for free, and i got very upset over that, because this is the girl before me, when i first started talking to him that he was supposedly so in love with and she dumped him and broke his heart. supposedly. so i was very upset about her and him doing this, but luckily his mother must have thought more about it and realized that i probably wouldnt be that happy about it because she suggested to him someone else who also does that. as of now as far as i know, he is supposed to be going to that girl now. so that was something else that had me upset. then i have had my sons father (technical husband) hinting at me to get back together with me, and that he still loves me and that i am still his wife, blah, blah, and i guess for an insane moment i wasnt really thinking about it, but i was thinking about how much i care for him and always will, i am not just saying that. if his responsibility issues were different, and money issues, i could honestly say that we would probably still be together right now, because that was the major problem. so on friday he had asked me out to dinner and i had said yes, and then i started to thinking about it, and even though it was with the kids and everything, he made this comment about the kids going to bed at 8pm, and i just got a feeling that wasnt a good idea, and i cancelled on him, and said that i wasnt going to be able to do it that day, and he made a comment to me that was fine, and that it was probably too soon anyway, dont know what he meant about that, but he took it well at least anyway. cause i really didnt want to hear him whining. and then i also had my boyfriend talking to me about filing for divorce again today, as soon as one of us or we both combined have the money he wants me to run down there and file, and file also for sole custody of my son too. which i dont want to do, because i see no need for that. he isnt a bad father, he is a good father, just irresponsible in everything else. and he took my reluctance for doing that as not wanting to file at all, and he was getting a little upset about that. so i asked him if he thought that there was an danger of me ever going back to him, and he said yes, it did worry him, and also that he didnt understand why i wouldnt want to, if it was over between us why wouldnt i be in a hurry to file just like everyone else was when they were seperated. and he also made a comment about me being a wife, and not his, someone else's wife. so that was just great, we had that talk this morning. so because of the fact that we both had our std's tests, and they both came out negative, last wednesday was when we both had our results back, actually him, i had mine a week before his, we had sex for the first time without a condom. and it was good, better of course then with a condom that is for sure. he was done in like 5 minutes, ugh, but he was able to continue after that and let me get one too. and then we didnt do again until this morning, when again he was like 5 minutes, but this time when he was done, it seemed like he was done, didnt even try to do anything else. so that was it for that, which really sucked for me. unfortunately he isnt the best that i have had in bed, he is okay, not awesome and not horrible. it is hard for me though, because i put so much stock into having sex and how good that it is, and has to be for me, because when i am in a relationship it is really important to me, and it doesnt seem like it is that important to him at all. he wont even try new things, i am not going to list them, but things that you would find at certain shops. i dont know about all of the objects, but i mentioned one of them to him, which i had actually bought, and i got basically a hell no out of him. so that did it for that. i have been alternating between being really depressed lately and trying to pull myself out of it, and i havent been succeeding as much as i used to be able to. i think that one of the last posts that i put up was that i was trying to fight the urge that i get when i am getting really worked up and depressed. well i wasnt able to fight it today, and now my leg in the usual spot has the marks that i have been trying so hard not to do. i was able to resist for so long, for months that i hadnt done it, and i did it today. i am just so frustrated and depressed with everything, and dont get me wrong my situation is a lot better technically and even financially then they were several months ago, i just wish that a lot of things were different, which is of course pointless to even think about, cause things cant change like that, you cant change people and you cant change the past. unfortunately. sigh. sorry that i hadnt updated in so long but as you can read i have been having a lot of things going on with me. oh and to make me even more depressed, i guess cause i have felt this way i have been eating, and i am the heaviest now then i have been in years, most of my clothes dont fit me anymore because they are too tight on me, which makes me even happier. sigh. oh well, thats it for now.

Just Some Pictures

more updates to come, for now i just had time to put some pictures up, and thought that i would just do that now.

my daughters first day of 2nd grade:









sorry that there arent any pictures of my son's first day of pre-k, but it wasnt that big of a deal because he is still going to the same school that he has been going to preschool in, and it is still a preschool program. so it wasnt made into as big of a deal as the first day of school typically is. i promise when he starts kindergarten next year i will have a huge amount of pictures and will probably be crying i am sure.

here are a couple of pictures from last night, me, my son, my boyfriend, and my boyfriends parents went out for dinner, and then went to the mall, these pictures are from the mall:






and then lastly here is two pictures taken last night of my boyfriend and the dog snuggled up on the couch:






okay so there is the picture update, sorry that i cant write more right now, but i have to get shower and get ready to leave, i will definetly update more this weekend, being that i have today, tomorrow, and of course also labor day (monday) off.